Last Day of 2013

Happy Last Day of the Year everyone!

I haven't written since October...
I write to you from Austell, Georgia at 7 something in the morning while listening to my Brian McKnight Pandora station.

I can't sleep so I'm up and I'm writing. I have a list of poem topics I want to write about and I'm hoping that writing will help remove all these thoughts from my head. I don't want to enter the new year with all this on my mind...

I planned a great trip to Atlanta for the new year and of course God had to go and turn it all around and show me who is always in control.
First incompetent Spirit Airlines left 15 pieces of luggage from my flight back in FL and of course my bag was 1 of the 15, so even though I arrived at 9:30am I was gonna have to return at 6pm to get my luggage. Then my hotel reservation didn't work out. It went from being free to $99/night cause my co-worker who booked it for me lost his job n went M.I.A

Thankfully I have people all over the Atlanta area who were more than happy to take me in.

Now I'm here on New Years Eve morning. I have no plans and not sure what to do tonight. I wish my friend Shanice was here. Last night I was in the city and loved it! Later in the week when I am closer to the downtown area I hope to just roam around taking pictures and soaking it in by myself.

Solitude is something I've been embracing more and more.
I think I need more of it...
I'm really looking forward to the spa tomorrow it will be well appreciated by my body.

Looking forward to what else God has in store for me here in the Atlanta Regions.

Birthday Blessings

Your girlfriend is a blessing.
Yours and mines alike.
I'm happy to tears that you are with her cause she reflects your outer being.
I think she loves you already!
Which honestly could be worrisome,
But I choose to be optimistic that she is your best thing.

She's the best thing to happen for me because
You met me first and chose her
And that decided everything for me.
I'm not mad, actually grateful
Cause I was not ready for what you'd bring.
You got that strength on you
And that heart that made me wonder

You are a life lesson
One that I'm proud of,
My definite maybe that would never become love.

My experiences with you influenced me to believe I'd never have anything better than what I had for so many years. Tempted to go back to him, frustration kept me still.
Frozen for a while until we met in person,
You brought me anew, reminding me of what I could truly do

I can have anything I desire
Not Proud, just blessed.
I can marry and have a child
But it's not my time yet.

So when you tell me you miss me...
I smile,
Warm Cheeks
I've found strength in saying no
Cause the right thing is always Rewarding.

Special Thanks To my Wrecking Ball

And a special thanks to my wrecking ball!
I appreciate the conversation where we can
Connect
Reflect
Relate
and understand each other for who we are now and what we have
Done
Learned
Accomplished
And FAIL to realize.
Oh but where would we be without God's glorious grace.

A special thanks to my wrecking ball,
For reminding me why you aren't ready
Why you won't be ready
Why we aren't together
Why I don't trust you
and why I don't love you like I want to.

Like a stubborn baby that refuses to eat
I spoon feed myself your truths
I force feed my new attitude
I have to push out a laugh and a smile when you belittle my existence
'Cause I refuse to feel less than what I deserve
N' I refuse to be fooled by your lies
God can't be deceived and therefore neither can I!
So you can keep your study buddies and college chefs
Who smile in your face for nothing less than selfish service and ill-received perks.

I'm a trophy.
A gift from God.
While you fooling around God is polishing me and preparing me
For someone who knows how to take care of .01%

"Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you"

~Miley Cyrus

 

 

 

 

Anie is feeling COLD

 

 

21 Years

This past Saturday I turned 21 years old!

All of my older friends gave me the sigh of relief and overwhelming "FINALLY!"

Do I feel older?

No.

Do I feel taller?

No.

Do I feel different?

Yes. But not because I turned 21.



I feel different because with any big occasion I feel a page has been turned. I've grown a lot this year. 2013 has been fighting me since January 1st! But since my birthday I learned lots of things about myself.
I learned that I deal with my mistakes very responsibly and spiritually.
I learned that I am a light weight and that's okay.
I learned that I will always be a flirt, its in my nature and I do it well.
I learned new ways to say No.
I gained greater confidence in what I'm doing with my life.
I learned my trust in God has grown tremendously.
I learned that I really honestly NO Longer hold the ability to hate anyone.
I learned that I love my sex appeal
I learned how pleased I am with myself.
I learned what I'm ready for.

I love who I am and who I have grown up to be.
The last of five and we are all adults. Drinking eligible and educated adults.
I want to continue living myself for the Lord and embracing his blessings.
I want to continue to help others and show nothing but love.

I have the ability to love because I love God and He loves me.
But even with that ability I have my own precautions and fears that God is still working in me everyday. I'm a lover. I love to love. But I can't go looking for what God has for me. I gotta sit tight. Every bone in my body will communicate to me when I have found the one. Or better yet when the one has found me. I'm not selling myself short. I'm not settling for less than I deserve.
The idea and feeling of love is too exciting to deny its strength and its power.


Next year is my year!!
I keep telling yall, 2014 God has some super transformational things coming my way. Just watch God work!

Appreciate the Reminders

Thank you for reminding me
Of all the reasons why it won't work.
I appreciate the distance
I appreciate the neglect
I even appreciate the Instagram post with the cigarette between your lips.

Ha! And I love the piercings and the tattoos you have yet to get
I love your confusion, aggression, and everthing you don't give.
I appreciate the lies and their apologizes that follow.
I appreciate your eyes and your hands that wondered.

You confused the hell out of me!
But that's okay cause I wondered
So curious of who I was and what I was thinking
Told myself no so many times but your words always left me thinking
Hmm... tasted you once and then I left you thinking.
What was shared was spiritual this realm couldn't take it.

You never wanted anything more than to make others happy
And with every feeling you left me
I can proudly say I don't regret a thing.
That's how grown the situation was
And that's how grown you left me feeling
Two individual spirits that clashed yet united.

At the end of the day and every day to follow,
I thank God you met someone
Someone your heart may follow.
God gave me that reminder and I thank yall for that too
If its His will she will be the dealbreaker,
Your woman forever

You are the only person that could read this and know I'm genuine
Because you are the only person thus far that can decrypt the language of my spirit.
Hmph! You my nigga though!
I'll always feel we are friends
But as long as our spirits communicate the way they do the distance will remain.

I can accept that.
I respect that
Cause I want success for you.
I can be happy with an occasional hey
I am settled with the feeling in my chest when Daley sings "a definite maybe.."
I'll ask you how you are
And you will reply well.
You'll ask me how I am,
And I'll reply I'm well as well...
You smile
I'll smile
And we'll be distant again.


Much Love Leon
I pray your Leona finds you well.

Public Notice

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I'm worth knowing, and my body is worth waiting for."

 

 

 

~Stephanie Brown

Songs that changed me

Half of 2013 is gone already!!

In less than a month I will celebrate my 21st birthday!

2013 Kicked my BUTT!!! Up and down you just have no idea! Lots of ups and downs but nevertheless progress.

I thought it would be nice to share with you songs that changed my life thus far in 2013.

Enjoy!

Kay Dene - Casualty of Love

Labrinth - Beneath your beautiful

The Cinematic Orchestra - To Build A Home

Maxwell - Stop the World

Daley - Alone Together (song gives me chills every time)

Zedd ft. The Foxes - Clarity

 

 

I'm gonna stop here.

Later.

Blogging is not the same

This weekend officially puts a CLOSE to my Summer 2013.
I've had a bunch of "bloggable" things to write about and spill but I didn't post a thing.

Since my last blog post I have:

Battled friendships

Gone to Jamaica - Experienced the country as an adult and awed over romantic possibilities.

Reconnected with the Solar System - The moon is my means of communication with someone unknown or known.

Met an old friend - Proof is what I like to call him.

Found a new Model

Left Florida and returned to Savannah

Passed my treacherous summer courses with straights A's

Made $1000

Made a plan - I financially live my life monthly and on a STRICT budget

Become a health-nut: I drink my vegetables and fruit and they taste amazing!

Applied to about 10 different job positions

Flirted

Found another new model

Tempted to just show up and stop someone in their tracks - I decided not to.

Turned Up

Flirted some more - I do it without even knowing

Made a mistake TWICE

Seriously compared myself to the life of artist Diego Riveria

Had a photo shoot with my fashionable buddy Touss

Hated on - It sucks to speak to people who you think knew you but by their diction you learn they really don't.

Re-evaluated what I want for myself

Learned from Said Mistakes - Prayer

Lied to myself

Let it all Go

Finished Season 2 of Scandal on Netflix

Planned my 21st birthday party

Had a job interview

Accepted my state, where I am, and how I am not going to do anything about it.

Made a to-do list

Shut down everything temporary and irrelevant

Typed this blog post - which brings us to NOW

Blogging is not the same because certain people rather read than talk to me. Reading seems to inspire a phone call or text message. Certain people read for the wrong reasons. It is my BELIEF not fact, but my belief that certain people read my blog posts to check up on me, read into any possible love life and friendships. It is my belief that certain people find SatisFACTION in my loneliness and failed associations... But I'm probably wrong about that.

So I'm switching things up.
Cause I do enjoy blogging it will be less because I plan on doing nothing and I mean nothing other than school, making money, and career stuff. I only have fun if its free, I can't pick up a shift, and or all my monthly expenses are covered. End of story.
I am on a strict budget, monitoring my expenses and income.
Praying on my finances asking God to relieve the stress from me because I know He'll make a way out of no way. I am nothing and HE is everything. I know nothing, all that I know and do is because of Him.

Weeks ago my sister who is a DJ emailed me Janelle Monae's album Electric Lady. I had been meaning to hear it but forgot. I saw so many facebook status's today about how awesome her album was I stopped for a moment to download it an played it while I worked at home. One song in particular blessed my spirit. The song is below for you all to enjoy.

 

"To win you'll have to lose all the things you know
Trying to light the fire deep inside
Father take all the fears and sorrow from my life
Cause when the rain falls
My seed will grow"
~Janelle Monae 

How it relates to me is in every lyric and prayer. Cause Lord knows its raining on my life in my world. But that's okay cause my fine ass will produce a beautiful garden.

 

 

 

 

 

Till Next Time...

 

DAMN! It's cool though.

I really didn't wanna blog about this because I feel like this is what you want. For me to be pissed and hurt and take it out on my blog and hunt u down and beg for you to reinstate our facebook friendship!


..................................................................................................Not gonna happen.


I'm blogging about this because a statement needs to be MADE.
Everytime you reach out to me I'm short with you.
You think I'm just being mean and putting on a tough girl act

-___-   WRONG.


The love and care I have for you will never die. It has only been transformed.
It's been transformed into blockades I use to guard my heart.
It's been transformed into wisdom and knowledge I use to enlighten and bless other women so that my experiences and pain may be a blessing to them.
The love and care I have for you has been transformed into fuel that only strengthens me through and IN Christ.

I don't beg for company
I don't beg for friends
I don't shut people out

I DID NOT shut you out.
I have no problem calling you or talking to you but if there is no purpose in conversation then I'm done. I don't waste my time with anything that does not uplift me, put a smile on my face, or encourage me.
Conversation with you is an unstable rollercoaster. There is a random sorry somewhere, maybe some admitting and sometimes you'll actually say something meaningful and kind like that last text message you sent. But then it'll flip into cussing and yelling cause you're "mad at me" but what you really are is frustrated with yourself.

I've kept my word to you and myself.
I've kept your name out my mouth.
I've kept my opinions between me and God alone.
You come to mind and I say a prayer.

No weapons formed against me shall prosper.
I rebuke any negativity and negative energy in the name of Jesus.

 

I'm flying above it all.

I'm not blogging about this because someone blocked me on Facebook and I'm upset.

Whoever is reading this understand this above all else....
People will come and go in life, that is for sure.
As a believer you are responsible for loving everyone and showing love to everyone just as God loves you. Enemies, haters, discouragers, or random people you meet. You are NEVER in the wrong when you continue to show love and respect to another being. Everyone deserves kindness and everyone deserves to be shown love.
Do all the good you can for all that you can for as long as you can. But when the good you are doing hurts you that's when you back off. That's something I struggled with for months. I felt wrong, I felt mean for ignoring calls and messages. But when I did I was hurt, disrespected and played. point blank. You are not being mean by protecting yourself. Remain peaceful and respectful and love the person from afar. You are not in control. Let God know how you are feeling and back away. I left this and you in God's hands a long time ago. I've let it go. And whatever God wants he is going to get. He is Almighty and He is in TOTAL control.

I may seem alone.
I may seem lonely.
I may seem like I'm missing out.
But don't let assumptions confuse you with reality.
Nothing is easy, and its a daily struggle.
But my faith won't let me fall.
Doors close and others will open.
Enemies fall and heroes will rise up.
I trust God to bring me positive energy and God fearing people around me to support me and get me where God wants me to be.

hmmph Jamaican proverb is ringing true today!

 

Every Dog have dem day and every Cat have dem 4 O'clock

God Bless you on your travels.

Discouragement You ARE the Devil!

The devil does not run my life.
I will not allow you to terrorize my life!

I'm tired of being uplifted and then torn down again.
Devil I'ma let you know that I'm gonna praise God through my storm!
Rejection
Disappointment
No money
No job
No support
People in and out of my life
I DON'T CARE!!!

Devil you can take it all
You can block all of my pathways
You will not make me feel some type of way!

I will make it.
I will get there
Just me and JESUS
God WILL make a way
And I don't doubt that for a second of any given day

So go ahead try me.
Make it rain a little harder.
You are underestimating the strength of a woman
Covered
Sheltered
Protected

by her Jehovah
by her Yahwah
by her Father

Go ahead and keep trying me!

Watch me get right past your "blockades"
I got a blessing on the way

I thought of you tonight

I thought of you tonight
Like I do almost every night
I prayed right there on the spot
The moment my brain began to process the thought.

The thought of you
and questions I don't even allow to
Manifest in my mind because I don't want control this time.
I tell myself no

Don't Call
Don't think
Don't you dare drink.
Just breathe

I'm allowing God to guide me
I'm allowing God to make me happy
For now, only I deserve me.
That's the way its going to be.

Accept it.
Leave me be.
Reach me by calling on Jesus
He'll relay the message to me.

Memoirs of Faithing it to make it.

Tapping on my fish tank

Tapping on my fish tank
I can't concentrate
Procrastination Overload
IDK WTF to think

I just want to rewind
Repeat what we did yesterday.
Flew a kite
So High
But you cut the string today

How am I suppose to feel
What am I suppose to think
Shit, its not the end of the world
I'm much more then you think

Yesterday there were clouds
Today there was some rain
Tomorrow will be the same shit, just on another date.

STOP tapping on my fish tank
Smudging oil on the glass
Just feed me my food
And bring my color back.

Un Regalo de mí para ti.

In all my life (so far) I've only met two people so I would call a kindred spirit.

Kindred Spirit means of similar nature or character.

I learned this word years ago reading Anne of Green Gables. The protagonist of the novel had a dear friend whom she called a kindred spirit. They held a bond for years and were extremely close.
Synonyms for the word Kindred are blood, akin,  and allied.

I share this definition because I see Kindred Spirited Individuals as something apart from friendship. Though similar its on a different level, a spiritual level. We are all spiritual beings, it is not our flesh that makes us alive, but the breath of life God put in each of us.
My ladies, Kay and Dora are strong spirited women whom I've connected with on a number of levels. They showed me a true bond of  Godly womanhood beyond the superficial friendships you find between other females. When I speak to them I don't only hear their words but I feel their message. Kay and I easily fall into tears just embracing each other. And Dora always know how to direct prayer to stay in alignment with God's plan.

So how is this un regalo....

This is a gift because it is what you asked for. Indirectly and directly you really asked: "Will you let me see beneath your beautiful?" Me presento a usted. Permiso para ver debajo de mi hermosa. Permiso para saber más de lo que ya sabe. Le doy acceso a mi ver.

You don't push. You don't shove. You have yet to even experience my hug.... yet you stay, you're present and you care. Can't tell you how many times I figured you'd just disappear. I feel what you write. I sense every word you speak into me. As different as we are, our mindsets couldn't be any closer. It's creepy, but its comforting cause its effortlessly a genuine exchange of beliefs, opinions, and ideas...rejuvenating and nourishing our spirits alike daily.

Proverbs 4:23 says, Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Guarding my heart is my duty. It's everyone's duty. God charges us with this task to not only protect us but help us recognize the value and importance of our heart. Not to be careless with our heart, but to cherish it and hold in the same importance as God holds each and everyone of us. I don't feel rushed and I don't feel fooled. That's what I want to feel and think, but the sense of positivity I feel over comes those bad things.

You are a lesson AND a blessing. You have taught me that I can share the affection I have in something healthy, motivational, and balanced, without risking the safety of my heart. My heart is not at risk because it is relaxed, it's encouraged, and comforted. You are a beautiful example of something God had been trying to communicate to me. I know what I deserve, and it's not asking for too much, because it's how God made me. God has made it extremely clear to me and my morals what is essential not only in a man but in anyone I associate myself with. I always said that I rather spend every night of my life alone  in the comforting hands of God before I lay with someone temporary, meaningless and untrue. And I mean what I say (but you know that).

 

   "You should be appreciated for who you are and what you give of yourself. If what you give isn't enough and you feel that you have to exhaust yourself and go against your integrity...[then] find someone whose needs and requirements are within your budget: Emotionally, Physical, Mentally, Spiritually."

 

I thank you for letting me be who I am. I thank you for an honest friendship with no boundaries and no finish line. Two adults simply enjoying God's blessings and spirits alike. Nothing but good vibes from here forward. May God bless each of individually and support us in all that is to come. The Good, Bad, and the Ugly, I'm down for the cause.

 

 Bienvenido, de Puerto Rico y Bienvenido a todas las pasiones y materias de mi corazón

 

 

Un Regalo de mí para ti. 

 

 

 

- A Nourished Spirit

 

I Deserve this S.M.I.L.E.

I deserve this smile
And it's effortless nature,
I deserve this warming sensation.

The feeling of satisfaction,
Described
Beyond word's education

Leaves me,
Never exhausted,
But rejuvenated
Hourly
Daily
Spiritually and emotionally.

My heart freaks out
And Melts inside.

I deserve this smile
And it's effortless nature,
I deserve this tingling sensation.

Not in the least
Do I exalt my pride,
For I am humbled by conversation
And the understanding prescribed.

I'm not sick.
I'm whole,
God by my side...
Damn it I deserve this smile
I dare not let it hide.

This smile is a blessing.
My gift from above
I'm grateful,
For its my testimony,
My statement about love.

Love taught by God,
Transcended from me to you

Left and Right,
And even you too.
This smile is here
Cause God is using you.

I deserve this smile.
And it's effortless nature,
I deserve this exchange
embrace
and teaching of affection.

Simply Motivated Interactions Lent Everyday

~Memoirs of Anie Lost&Found

 

 

Definition of the word: LEND

a (1): to give for temporary use on condition that the same or its equivalent be returned <lend me your pen> 

 

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/lend 

Separated: I'm Sick

I have the urghh to write!
But my mind body and soul are separated...

I've been flooded with homework all week.
Restless naps and early morning filled with homework
My assignments have me writing and reading and annotating till I have to run out the door
Can't be late to class no more.

Exhausted.
But the hours I endure.
When I'm out of class I sit somewhere new or familiar
I prepare myself for work
Yet I linger.

Exhausted my mind starts to dream
Sweet memories stirred up by the things I see.
Young love
Laughter
Loneliness, I don't know what I'm after.
I'm an Observationalist
I react emotionally to everything that blesses my senses
Ears
Nose
Hands
Glasses.

Summer B
Midterms are next week
I'm taking 3 classes.
Every classes sparks my mind to go somewhere that doesn't matter.
My heart, my soul, my mind they are scattered
Everytime I travel I want to write but I'm too tired.
I don't want to rush the process I want it to be natural
Cause the feelings I have inside must be released!
Patience is what I'm after,
Cause my mind, my soul, my heart are scattered

They need to come home
'Come one
I'm sick.
I'm tired.

Hello Closure!

Hello Closure!
Welcome to Brown University!
The Dean of this university has anxiously been awaiting your arrival!
Everyone has dropped out or been kicked out of this campus
We are ready to let you in and do your job

Please, Closure make yourself at home.
Help yourself to everything and anything to eat
Alas I am at your service
The Dean has been in office for about 3 years.
She's won awards and had various notable achievements
She's prepared for her long awaited vacation.
Haha, She's too young for retirement!

Closure please be sure to leave out any further documentation
To be signed, corrected, and or rectified
The Dean left me in charge.
She was so excited when she saw you coming
Away with her satchel and locked is her door.
No one needs to go back in that office
Its empty, barren
I've peeled her name off the stained glass door.

All what's left for you to do is clear the campus
Baracade all the doors.
We don't have time for homeless men and women living amoungst our once beloved home.
I assured the Dean the campus would be left in tip top shape!
And reflect the preamble in which the doors once sung,
No one will ever attend Brown University again.

She may have an old soul, but the Dean is far from done
She's off to travel! an' be more of a guest speaker to universities abroad.
The Dean of the late Brown University has  a testimony to sing and praise
You'll hear of her stories by the break of day.
My humble Dean...she's come such a long way...

So Cheer up chap!
Closure today is your day!
Get to work,
Take your time,
Lock the doors,
Demolish the Keys,
For they are now made of yesterday.
In years to come the grass will grow, as the seas will flood
Brown University will be somewhat of a myth
A tall tale you dare be sung.

#Memoirs of Anie

Fingerprints

My fingerprints set me apart from you
Every groove and swirl is unique to me
They contain my mystery
You couldn't handle where my fingerprints have been
The life they live is beyond you
Sometimes beyond me

God breathed life into man
Later created me
No other Stephanie
Humbled, Strong and Sweet
My fingerprints are predestined to be great
Someone remarkable
Unique

My fingerprints set me apart from you
To me they reflect my inner being
They protrude the surface
Yet you can't feel the change of pattern
By touch they remain uniformly smooth.

My fingerprints are my own;
God's plan for me
Spirals, curves, and intersecting lines
Up down around my digits
To the front of my fingers and
Stop.

There's something miraculous here
Examining my fingerprints I feel more in tuned to me
The more I read the more I understand, learn, adapt, and transform
Paths bend
Fall short
Open and Close
Just to begin again elsewhere

My fingerprints set me apart from you
They narrate a story untold and foreshadowed.
The develop a new way of communication
Between the Creator and these hands of mine

Count the impressions that decorate your hands as you count the paths God has yet to reveal to you
My prints are not like yours
But I count Infinity.

Mind of Jonas: Relationships vs. Dating

My Jonas is My Graphic Designer.
My graphic designer's name is Jonas.
We are both very career driven and helps in many aspects of my life beyond my graphic and web design needs.

Anyway Jonas comes up in my blog today because of the conversation we had today.
The information was so vital I felt it should be shared.

There is a huge difference between DATING and Being in a RELATIONSHIP.
This difference I didn't see until later in my young years (cough cough now lol)
 Our definition of "dating" is as follows:
DATING - exclusively learning about one person of interest in hopes of it growing into a committed relationship.

According to the mind of Jonas, when you meet someone a vital decision is made, do I want to be friends with this person or do I want a relationship with them.
If you pursue someone with romantic intentions, your "dating" period is in hopes of a meaningful relationship. If things don't work out essentially that person is usually pushed to the side, they disappear.
If you pursue a regular friendship with someone, they could do something u don't care for but it doesn't matter cause they are just a friend so you gonna let them do them and not let it bother you. Only exception is if you become best friends with someone and it grows into something intimate.

Why am I sharing this information...idk. It's not as random as it seems, but I'm not in a position to share where I'm at right now in relation to all the information I just shared.

I will share this quote that his influenced me this week from a book I'm reading called "The Shack"

"I suppose that since most our hurts come from through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."

 

Jonas and I agree that too often, women especially, become single and get in this zone and mindset of super independence, forget men, I'ma do me, I don't need no man attitude. And that's nice for a moment, but when you've grown in a relationship and when you've experienced something beautiful you can't deny the idea of love and the beauty of being committed to another person, having a companion, someone to care for and share affection with. It's a wonderful thing.

 

I'm a relationship orientated person. I can't hoe around and text tons of men ... its just not me, out of my character. I also DON'T fall quickly, but I do go where my spirit leads me. If I'm happy I'm gonna continue the path and see where it takes me proceeding with caution.

The point ladies and gentlemen is to do what makes you happy!

Genuinely happy!

Ignore physical pleasure and think does this person I'm interested make me happy?

When they are around do I feel better or do I want them gone?

When we talk do I enjoy conversation or do I want them to shut up?

Those are the things that should make you happy first (in my opinion) then the other things just fall into place. It's the little things that matter cause they are the beginning and the end of it all.

I'm big on being genuinely happy, and if I'm not I won't waste my time or yours.

Everyone deserves that much, to be honestly and purely happy.

And praying about it doesn't hurt either. (gotta stay connected with the man upstairs)

Ask, and God will provide people in your life who will uplift you.

No one enters your life by accident or for no reason at all.



Dear Stephanie

Dear Stephanie

I'm sorry for not being yourself
I'm sorry for not following through like you wanted me to
I'm sorry for falling short of your expectations
I'm sorry for not dealing with your feelings
We have to go into isolation Steph
We have to stop making excuses
We have to reconnect
We have to realign ourselves with God Steph
You are better then this
You deserve the most, the best, and the truth
No more settling Steph
No more selling yourself short
Trust God like you know you can and let Him provide for you
Don't wait on no one
Don't look for company
Don't look anywhere else but straight ahead
We gotta fix our eyes on Christ Steph!
Remember when your uplifting moment was knowing you took the high road
Remember how proud you felt knowing you did the right thing
Your reward is not immediate but don't think God forgot about you
He sees your efforts, but he also sees this downfall...
Don't disappoint your Lord and Savior
He's helped heal you, comfort you and renew you
Don't forget He WILL keep you warm at night
Don't forget to talk to Him
Don't stoop to the levels of those that hurt you
After tonight
After this post I expect the most from you again
Lets go Stephanie
Get up and Own Up
Remember you don't live your life for you
You live your life for God
Reconnect right now and all is forgiven
We have history to make
Smiles to create
Only because God is able.
When we wake up we'll make major moves
Jesus loves us
Make Him Proud, make Him Smile
Your self-control and morality is your best trait.
Guard your heart and keep walking Steph.

I love you woman...



                    All the best,

                                 You

A Kiss to Forget

Proverbs 4:23 ABOVE ALL ELSE, Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

 

 

I live my life by the following motto:

 

Do all the good you can, for all you can, when you can, for as long as you can.

The only exception to that rule is that IF the good you are doing for someone

 is HURTING you then you must STOP!

 

 

I want to get into this motto and the bible verse above it a little deeper. The bible verse is epic and also symbolic in my life especially presently. As for the motto, its tough, because I am finally putting my foot down and living up to the exception. I'm getting hurt from the good I'm doing for someone and I have to stop. I don't want to stop but its going to be in the best interest for both of us I think....I hope... I'm still praying on it, but I think it's best. I've made excuses for this individual because I care so much, but I need to put my feelings aside and let them do them, and be who they want to be without me.

 

I promise I'll be back with more readers! I'm exhausted and need some sleep it is 2:52AM!

This blog post is UNFINSIHED! I'm praying that in my dreams tonight God will send me something special to share in this blog post.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

Finishing this blog post...

Since writing this blog God has provided me opportunities and moments to really assess how I'm feeling.

I'm a great person but I'm not perfect. I'm an awesome companion but I don't need to be put on a pedestal. At the end of the day my actions and beliefs revolve around my heart. I don't want to drift down memory lane about borders I've put up and torn down around my heart. I just want to focus on where I am now. Guarding my heart for it is the center of it ALL.

God communicates with me through my heart. Guarding your heart helps you stay connected with Christ because you are protecting it and filtering what you allow to come in and possibly disrupt or help the relationship you have with Christ. Providing access to your heart leaves you vulnerable, leaves you exposed, guards are down and your heart is on the platform exposed, naked, bare and at risk.
The way I like to think of it is God is my protector and healer. When I CHOOSE to let someone in a little at a time my heart is never fully exposed and left vulnerable because I like to believe I put God in front of my heart. So to get to me you have to get through my God and HE is never defeated by the enemy. Doing this has given me the ability to be social and not a locked box for no one to know or meet.

I titled this post "A Kiss to Forget" because when I began writing this post that's how I described the events that occurred. I don't know that it's particularly the best title, but nevertheless, I'm going to smile and move forward trusting God with everything that goes on. I'm done living in the moment. I lived my life for Christ and only want to do things that glorify Him or reflect  Him. Guarding my heart means I'm repelling negativity, fear, sadness, and all those other bad things God didn't put in me.

Goodbye and Goodnight.

Support & Reflection

I rushed over to my friend's side today cause she needed some support and uplifting.
Dora and I are so much a like, she needed some support and I was there right away.

Proud to be able to be there for her, we laughed, we prayed, and then we soaked away our doubts, concerns, and troubles in the pool. Savannah was 96 degrees today. and left the pool warm, well into the night. We took an evening dip and eventually ended up swimming all over the place. Talking and making jokes uplifting each other and relating.









When we came in she began telling me stories of her first precious moments with her and her man Kenny who she believes to be her future husband. Hearing her stories were funny but made me drop a tear or two on multiple occasions.
I reflected myself and boy was it such a heartache. It was a clear example as to why I need to be single. Nothing was perfect but the love....smh. I don't know how anyone could enjoy the company of someone else without remembering precious moments that occurred.

Egyptian Hold Yuh brings me back to an isolated street where I danced beneath the street light.
Under the moonlight on the beach after prom junior year.
The Passion
The way you cared for me when I was sick at Sunfest
The way we researched EVERYTHING lol
Smooth car rides in the slider, I used to love to watch you drive.
Lord knows I can't forget the night of Keewee's birthday party right before you took me home, The way the moonlight from the window silhouetted your body right before you introduced yourself to new terrain.
Oh the sweet sweet passion
The way you lead on the dance floor like a proper dance partner
The first time we danced kompa at Military Ball and was showered by love from our peers.
Those darn park rangers...
The video we made trying to educate other couples
The caution we took with our feelings: Like, Appreciate, Pear anie, Love you.
Embraces were never simple
Hours and hours of conversation
Hours and hours of just listening to each other breathe
Creating moments and techniques to call or firsts and lasts or never agains...

I could write a book.
Sometimes I want to.
But the memories I hold onto won't be released in a book
They will only be shared by every reader
Every reader would read the story and never predict its downfall
Every reader would read about a love for big screen
something real full or disagreements and arguments
that made us individuals who had an opinion
Two individuals attempting to live life as one.
Never people pleasers
If I wrote a book our story would never Die
It would only be relived and influence the lives of EVEN more people.

I always complained about my feelings.
I always said God blessed me with a love so beautiful and genuine, but where do I put these feelings?
I put them in my heart
I put them in my art
I put them toward my faith
I put them toward my praise
I teach with that love
I lift up others with that love
I relate with that love
I learned from that love.
It taught me what I'm capable of deserving and that only taught me I will NEVER compromise.
Its not about me comparing, or making someone else live up to that love.
That love can't be duplicated
But it did tell me what I deserve, showed me that I can be loved to purely and genuinely
And I want nothing less in my life, from here on ward.

I knew this process would be long for me.....

Memoirs of Anie

Little Yellow Bird II

I was reading an old blog post "Little Yellow Bird" and I felt the need to make a part two.

___________________________________________________________________________

Until my little yellow bird comes to sing to me again
I'm gonna sit tight.
Keep doing what I know to be morally right
Continue my baby steps toward independence
Just in case my little yellow bird stops in flight
Just in case my little yellow bird gives up it's song
Perhaps he'll sing a new one to a new found love
I'll prepare myself for the scenario
As long as my little yellow bird sings a happy song
I'll make myself be in good courage
In support of my little yellow bird that once was mine.

In my feelings, SMH

Eyes
Smile
Touch
Swagg
Are all weaknesses of mine

Resistance necessary
Not easy
Rejection deserved

But when I see you...
Hear your name
Feel your fingertips brush my hand
I shiver
Close my eyes
I want to submit to your grip
Smile after every kiss
Hold you till the new light touches the sky
I want you
I wanted you
I still do,
But not like this.

I'm terrified!
Fearful!
Cold inside.
When I think of a relationship with you I think of things that go bump in the night
You have stories and secrets
You've changed inside.
We embrace I feel great!
But fear resides.

"He gets it now God! He loves me, He always loved me! I knew I was right. I knew there was no other kiss like that, he said it himself. God he's sorry! Everything I predicted happened just as you told me God. It took him to see me but he's here now God, wants me God! You prepared me for this moment and now that it's here, Is he the one God....? What does this hesitation I feel mean God?"

I knew a man I fell in love with.
And yesterday I met someone old yet so new.
Baby steps must be made just to get to know you.
I made progress in my heart and in my spirit.
I made promises to God.
Spent months alone trying to fix my heart.
This is no overnight fix.
I am unsure about it ALL
Who you are, where your heart is, and if I'm worth it to you at all.

I am NOT the person I was before.
I KNOW I am capable of loving someone so sweet and so genuinely
I am that .01%
I WILL hold you down

BUT

I will NOT leave myself exposed as an open target to get stabbed in the heart.
God healed my wounds.
God lifted the burden off my spirit.
And I rebuke any attempt of pain, heartache, and sadness in my life.
Stephanie has to take care of Stephanie
I deserve one person and one person deserves me
And whoever that person is will be strengthen n guided by God to my heart no matter the costs.

Memoirs of a healed spirit in CONFLICT

Dear Blog its Summertime

Today is June 3rd, 2013 and I am not home.
I am enjoying my summer doing nothing and currently on the couch of my friend's house apartment in Sav.

In my mind my summer began last weekend with my wonderful weekend working with Shannon. That week was the start of my last week of school and it was empowering and beautiful but haven't had time to write about especially since I've told the story of that weekend so many times. I have to sit and kinda get into the mindset of that weekend. And I can't wait to do so cause it was truly beautiful :)

Today is Monday. and my summer began Friday. I worked all day Friday and the end of Saturday for SCAD 2013 Commencement. SCAD puts on a beautiful graduation and I hope the graduation in the fall is just as nice. Working that graduation got me hype and so pumped for my last year at SCAD. It also inspired me to walk not only as a SCAD graduate but a graduate of another school... Yes my friends, talk about grad school has come up again. And I'm praying and watching to see what the verdict will be but I'll be looking into all my options later this year. When I walked in my high school graduation I surely and proudly dropped a tear. Yes my parents were proud but I even more so. It was a super accomplishment and I worked really really hard through the IB program for years!
Finishing my undergrad degree in only 3 years is a greater reality now and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I will be one of thousands sitting before the stage in the civic center ready shake hands and receive my honors. Working graduation I learned about the different color tassels you get by academic school and the designation for graduating with honors which I put below:

Summa Cum Laude - equal to or greater than 3.90

Magna Cum Laude - equal to or greater than 3.70 and less than 3.90

Cum Laude - equal to or greater than 3.50 and less than 3.70  I'm aiming for Magna Cum Laude AT LEAST!! I can't wait to see what's next for me. I know I'll be successful anywhere and I'm excited to see what opportunities God brings my way! The decision will be based on my happiness, its all about me graduating SCAD and making art cause that is what will make me happy.

But now today is Monday and I am a free bird.
Planing things to do or laying in bed cause I can.
Going on roadtrips or watching a movie on the couch.
I am doing what I want to do.
This time in Savannah is my real vacation because when I get back to Florida things will get real.
I'll be back on my school tip and working a job as well.
And next thing you know it will be September and I'm a senior starting Fall quarter at SCAD!
soooooo I am soaking up the fun and sun and FREEDOM in Sav.


Last night I tried Insanity for the first time with my friend Cetina. Armstrong University offers it free at night everyday this summer! I can't do it every night but I intend to do as much as I can. I have never sweat as much as I did that night. I was dripping sweat into my eye and probably could have peed myself lol. Shirt soaked. Heart pumping mad crazy! And the jumping bits get me a little dizzy. But honestly Insanity is do able. There are ample amounts of breaks and lots of room for progress. From the first time I saw Shaun T. on the doctors talking about his workout plan I knew he was legit because his workout plans make healthy sense. Its all about keeping your form and pushing your muscles to the max with 30sec breaks max. You really can do it. You just have to tell your body you can do it. I'm excited to continue his workouts. Plus its entertaining. More fun then working out by myself with the previous workout challenge I tried out. Stephanie's getting this body BEYOND on point ;)

It feels nice to take care of me.
No room for negativity.
No worries hehe
I don't mind waiting on the Lord!
I don't mind waiting on the LORD!!

Packing Up

If I didn't post this tonight idk if it would ever happen so I'm doing it now. Yes I'm in a funk. And I'm mad at what fell from my eyes. But my greater is gonna cradle me through the night. Might sound lonely but I rather have Jesus then something temporary by my side.

 

 

Negative thoughts and words just don't seem to manifest like before
I might wanna pop off
Curse you out
Do something reckless
But I can't even think about doing that stuff long enough to watch it manifest.

What did manifest was pain and hurt and disappointment
I use that word disappointment a lot but it's most appropriate
Cause time after time you fall under my expectations
You slip beneath your greater
You fall into something less than I believe to be true.
I'm honest with myself
I'm open to all the possibilities and paths God may take me
But even with that optimism I need to pack it up.

Keep me relevant you said
Just joking around you said
Still care a lot is what you said
My expectations were not heightened
They weren't foolish.
I expected things to take time
I expected a friendship
I expected respect and support
But clearly I need to pack that all up.

I'm a good person
I'll never let someone drag me beneath my greater
I'm a good person
I'm won't be taken advantage
of my time
my heart
my generosity
I keep it 100 not for you but for me.

Forget the tape
I'm gonna need concrete
Packing it up for me
Packing it up
I'm not for sale
I'm not for display
Packing it up for someone who is ready.

It's not funny.
It's not a game.
Real people and real feelings at stake.
Despite my desires and what I say
In the end God will have his way.
Packing it up, He leads the way.

Memoirs of ......

Tolerance

Building my tolerance in more than one way
Responsibly, never recklessly
I'm far too overwhelmed to type anything that will make lots of sense

I need to detox.
Everything needs renewal.
Other than a select few everyone else needs to just step back
Reintroduce yourself
I want to be ignorant of who you are so I can make proper choices
So I can not be effected by your choices
Cleanse me of ALL OF YOU
Each and every one of your species, gender, sex
I'm through.

Its better this way I'm sure.
The last time I did this I got you
Maybe this time God will bless me with me
Take these feelings and turn it into stone
I care too much for heartless souls

Just leave me be
I'll decompose and wake up in a better life
I'll sit here and let them come to me.
On display in a glass window
Pull back the curtains if you choose to pursue
Cause I've let go of the controls

Confused.
Overwhelmed.
Counting down for school to end.
Don't got time for feelings anymore.
Medusa I'm ready for you.

Bantu Knots with the Nappy Hutt

bantu plural of Ban·tu (Noun)

Noun A member of an extensive group of native peoples of central and southern Africa. The group of languages spoken by these peoples.     So I was going to research the history of bantu knots aka corkscrews aka Zulu knots aka Chinese bumps! But I found a great blog post on blogger that gives a great detailed history on Bantu Knots and the orgin of the bantu! You can read up on the history here: http://goodhealthdiva.blogspot.com/2011/04/on-hair-bantu-knots-little-history.html?showComment=1368705640730#c7462440294606126265   2 days ago I had my hair done from The Nappy Hutt, this time Jazmin was my stylist and I came in wanting bantu knots! Looking at my natural hair pictures most can see I like transitional styles. Styles that last me a while and goes in stages. For example, when I get bantu knots, I rock this style for about a week, then I unravel them and pin them in my cute/sexy curly androgynous look. Then over the next few days pulling on my little corkscrew spiral curls elongated them and they begin to fall which allows me to have  a curly fro or Mohawk, or anything else I decide to pin it into. From bantu knots lots and lots of hair styles are born!   FAQ when I have bantu knots:   How do you sleep in those? easy I moisturize my scalp, wrap my head and Lay down. When done properly bantu knots can be slept on with little to no irritation or change in sleep habits. Did you cut your hair?! no no no I did not cut my hair, that's the more of condensed curl patterns and natural hair in general. you can go from a long hair do to a short hair do in a matte of minutes. I embrace it and I love it! I get the best of both worlds minus the scissors. Enjoy the rest of the images. Bantu knots are an interesting style, most know it from the Matrix but   its bold and well respected especially by those who know about the beautiful noheat curl it will produce when unraveled.

I hate text messaging...

[Sometimes I can really hate text messaging.]
Texting is useful in sensitive situations, when you want or need to say something really quick
Its nonverbal communication yet we find ways to determine tonality in the voice and emotion through an individuals diction.
Other than texting in class or at work what other good has it done communication?
Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for text messaging, its so useful, and I do it everyday.
But I do it because most people just don't know what to do when they pick up a phone or they don't even have the time of day to do so. And God forbid they write a letter or actually communicate in person.

[Sometimes I can really hate text messaging]
I feel that texting should supplement your conversation.
Now a days when you meet someone, exchange numbers, the expectations is to text them.
The communication has begun, you can text the individual every once in a while to everyday. You can send them a message when they are on your mind and you wish to hear from them.
But at what point do you decide that texting is not enough?
I think you have to desire to communicate with that person in another way, you've got to want to hear what they think, believe, and do. And if time and distance is a problem then you FaceTime? Skype? if you can't call and talk.
People make time for who and what they WANT to make time for...

What will do that for you? Who knows...but I miss the sensitivty in communication.
As the person discovers a desire to communicate more methods open up because they'll simply take what they can get even if it's hearing you breathe as you sleep.
If you've been where I've been you know what I mean...Don't let people look at you like you're crazy or that sounds dumb because they haven't had communication like that.
Verbal or non-verbal, talking on the phone or texting.
I've had the extended text messages that max out even a smartphones limit.
I've had the storybook facebook messages.
I've had the late night bedtime calls, where you wake up and wonder who fell asleep on who.
I've had the skype sessions and phone calls that were there just to keep ya company... just so the other person could see ur face
I've been there.

That's why I say [SOMETIMES] I hate text messaging. [SOMETIMES] I hate cyber communication
because people don't use it like they can and really milk it for it's resources.
A letter, hand written, personal, and longed for is full of emotion
It can be a blank slate crafted to share a part of your mind, your heart, your spirit.
It can be unexpected but desired
A letter can manipulate words to create sentences that make you smile and cry
A letter can bring you back to the days of courting and true love.
Words on  a page...don't underestimate.
Its a romantic confession from the sender that says your worth it
Worth my time, paper, pen and ink.
Worth a moment to formulate words you may not speak.
________________________________________________________

We as individuals have the capability to do what a letter says and more with cyber communications.
That text that you wake up to that makes you smile.
That storybook facebook message that made you cry
That surprise visit at your door....unexpected but desired
The words in that letter you never wrote are expressed through daily messaging
How you answer a text message explains how you chose to formulate your thoughts
It tattles how valuable you find the communication.
[Sometimes, not all the time I can hate text messaging]
Waiting for a response is a lot easier if you knew the context of the person but you can't know that if that information was not shared initially.

Lack of communication can be frustrating.
A desire to communicate has grand potential.
Empty apologizes and no change in communication is a near downfall.

#Love has made me weary