Mind of Jonas: Relationships vs. Dating

My Jonas is My Graphic Designer.
My graphic designer's name is Jonas.
We are both very career driven and helps in many aspects of my life beyond my graphic and web design needs.

Anyway Jonas comes up in my blog today because of the conversation we had today.
The information was so vital I felt it should be shared.

There is a huge difference between DATING and Being in a RELATIONSHIP.
This difference I didn't see until later in my young years (cough cough now lol)
 Our definition of "dating" is as follows:
DATING - exclusively learning about one person of interest in hopes of it growing into a committed relationship.

According to the mind of Jonas, when you meet someone a vital decision is made, do I want to be friends with this person or do I want a relationship with them.
If you pursue someone with romantic intentions, your "dating" period is in hopes of a meaningful relationship. If things don't work out essentially that person is usually pushed to the side, they disappear.
If you pursue a regular friendship with someone, they could do something u don't care for but it doesn't matter cause they are just a friend so you gonna let them do them and not let it bother you. Only exception is if you become best friends with someone and it grows into something intimate.

Why am I sharing this information...idk. It's not as random as it seems, but I'm not in a position to share where I'm at right now in relation to all the information I just shared.

I will share this quote that his influenced me this week from a book I'm reading called "The Shack"

"I suppose that since most our hurts come from through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside."

 

Jonas and I agree that too often, women especially, become single and get in this zone and mindset of super independence, forget men, I'ma do me, I don't need no man attitude. And that's nice for a moment, but when you've grown in a relationship and when you've experienced something beautiful you can't deny the idea of love and the beauty of being committed to another person, having a companion, someone to care for and share affection with. It's a wonderful thing.

 

I'm a relationship orientated person. I can't hoe around and text tons of men ... its just not me, out of my character. I also DON'T fall quickly, but I do go where my spirit leads me. If I'm happy I'm gonna continue the path and see where it takes me proceeding with caution.

The point ladies and gentlemen is to do what makes you happy!

Genuinely happy!

Ignore physical pleasure and think does this person I'm interested make me happy?

When they are around do I feel better or do I want them gone?

When we talk do I enjoy conversation or do I want them to shut up?

Those are the things that should make you happy first (in my opinion) then the other things just fall into place. It's the little things that matter cause they are the beginning and the end of it all.

I'm big on being genuinely happy, and if I'm not I won't waste my time or yours.

Everyone deserves that much, to be honestly and purely happy.

And praying about it doesn't hurt either. (gotta stay connected with the man upstairs)

Ask, and God will provide people in your life who will uplift you.

No one enters your life by accident or for no reason at all.



Dear Stephanie

Dear Stephanie

I'm sorry for not being yourself
I'm sorry for not following through like you wanted me to
I'm sorry for falling short of your expectations
I'm sorry for not dealing with your feelings
We have to go into isolation Steph
We have to stop making excuses
We have to reconnect
We have to realign ourselves with God Steph
You are better then this
You deserve the most, the best, and the truth
No more settling Steph
No more selling yourself short
Trust God like you know you can and let Him provide for you
Don't wait on no one
Don't look for company
Don't look anywhere else but straight ahead
We gotta fix our eyes on Christ Steph!
Remember when your uplifting moment was knowing you took the high road
Remember how proud you felt knowing you did the right thing
Your reward is not immediate but don't think God forgot about you
He sees your efforts, but he also sees this downfall...
Don't disappoint your Lord and Savior
He's helped heal you, comfort you and renew you
Don't forget He WILL keep you warm at night
Don't forget to talk to Him
Don't stoop to the levels of those that hurt you
After tonight
After this post I expect the most from you again
Lets go Stephanie
Get up and Own Up
Remember you don't live your life for you
You live your life for God
Reconnect right now and all is forgiven
We have history to make
Smiles to create
Only because God is able.
When we wake up we'll make major moves
Jesus loves us
Make Him Proud, make Him Smile
Your self-control and morality is your best trait.
Guard your heart and keep walking Steph.

I love you woman...



                    All the best,

                                 You

A Kiss to Forget

Proverbs 4:23 ABOVE ALL ELSE, Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

 

 

I live my life by the following motto:

 

Do all the good you can, for all you can, when you can, for as long as you can.

The only exception to that rule is that IF the good you are doing for someone

 is HURTING you then you must STOP!

 

 

I want to get into this motto and the bible verse above it a little deeper. The bible verse is epic and also symbolic in my life especially presently. As for the motto, its tough, because I am finally putting my foot down and living up to the exception. I'm getting hurt from the good I'm doing for someone and I have to stop. I don't want to stop but its going to be in the best interest for both of us I think....I hope... I'm still praying on it, but I think it's best. I've made excuses for this individual because I care so much, but I need to put my feelings aside and let them do them, and be who they want to be without me.

 

I promise I'll be back with more readers! I'm exhausted and need some sleep it is 2:52AM!

This blog post is UNFINSIHED! I'm praying that in my dreams tonight God will send me something special to share in this blog post.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________

Finishing this blog post...

Since writing this blog God has provided me opportunities and moments to really assess how I'm feeling.

I'm a great person but I'm not perfect. I'm an awesome companion but I don't need to be put on a pedestal. At the end of the day my actions and beliefs revolve around my heart. I don't want to drift down memory lane about borders I've put up and torn down around my heart. I just want to focus on where I am now. Guarding my heart for it is the center of it ALL.

God communicates with me through my heart. Guarding your heart helps you stay connected with Christ because you are protecting it and filtering what you allow to come in and possibly disrupt or help the relationship you have with Christ. Providing access to your heart leaves you vulnerable, leaves you exposed, guards are down and your heart is on the platform exposed, naked, bare and at risk.
The way I like to think of it is God is my protector and healer. When I CHOOSE to let someone in a little at a time my heart is never fully exposed and left vulnerable because I like to believe I put God in front of my heart. So to get to me you have to get through my God and HE is never defeated by the enemy. Doing this has given me the ability to be social and not a locked box for no one to know or meet.

I titled this post "A Kiss to Forget" because when I began writing this post that's how I described the events that occurred. I don't know that it's particularly the best title, but nevertheless, I'm going to smile and move forward trusting God with everything that goes on. I'm done living in the moment. I lived my life for Christ and only want to do things that glorify Him or reflect  Him. Guarding my heart means I'm repelling negativity, fear, sadness, and all those other bad things God didn't put in me.

Goodbye and Goodnight.

Support & Reflection

I rushed over to my friend's side today cause she needed some support and uplifting.
Dora and I are so much a like, she needed some support and I was there right away.

Proud to be able to be there for her, we laughed, we prayed, and then we soaked away our doubts, concerns, and troubles in the pool. Savannah was 96 degrees today. and left the pool warm, well into the night. We took an evening dip and eventually ended up swimming all over the place. Talking and making jokes uplifting each other and relating.









When we came in she began telling me stories of her first precious moments with her and her man Kenny who she believes to be her future husband. Hearing her stories were funny but made me drop a tear or two on multiple occasions.
I reflected myself and boy was it such a heartache. It was a clear example as to why I need to be single. Nothing was perfect but the love....smh. I don't know how anyone could enjoy the company of someone else without remembering precious moments that occurred.

Egyptian Hold Yuh brings me back to an isolated street where I danced beneath the street light.
Under the moonlight on the beach after prom junior year.
The Passion
The way you cared for me when I was sick at Sunfest
The way we researched EVERYTHING lol
Smooth car rides in the slider, I used to love to watch you drive.
Lord knows I can't forget the night of Keewee's birthday party right before you took me home, The way the moonlight from the window silhouetted your body right before you introduced yourself to new terrain.
Oh the sweet sweet passion
The way you lead on the dance floor like a proper dance partner
The first time we danced kompa at Military Ball and was showered by love from our peers.
Those darn park rangers...
The video we made trying to educate other couples
The caution we took with our feelings: Like, Appreciate, Pear anie, Love you.
Embraces were never simple
Hours and hours of conversation
Hours and hours of just listening to each other breathe
Creating moments and techniques to call or firsts and lasts or never agains...

I could write a book.
Sometimes I want to.
But the memories I hold onto won't be released in a book
They will only be shared by every reader
Every reader would read the story and never predict its downfall
Every reader would read about a love for big screen
something real full or disagreements and arguments
that made us individuals who had an opinion
Two individuals attempting to live life as one.
Never people pleasers
If I wrote a book our story would never Die
It would only be relived and influence the lives of EVEN more people.

I always complained about my feelings.
I always said God blessed me with a love so beautiful and genuine, but where do I put these feelings?
I put them in my heart
I put them in my art
I put them toward my faith
I put them toward my praise
I teach with that love
I lift up others with that love
I relate with that love
I learned from that love.
It taught me what I'm capable of deserving and that only taught me I will NEVER compromise.
Its not about me comparing, or making someone else live up to that love.
That love can't be duplicated
But it did tell me what I deserve, showed me that I can be loved to purely and genuinely
And I want nothing less in my life, from here on ward.

I knew this process would be long for me.....

Memoirs of Anie

Little Yellow Bird II

I was reading an old blog post "Little Yellow Bird" and I felt the need to make a part two.

___________________________________________________________________________

Until my little yellow bird comes to sing to me again
I'm gonna sit tight.
Keep doing what I know to be morally right
Continue my baby steps toward independence
Just in case my little yellow bird stops in flight
Just in case my little yellow bird gives up it's song
Perhaps he'll sing a new one to a new found love
I'll prepare myself for the scenario
As long as my little yellow bird sings a happy song
I'll make myself be in good courage
In support of my little yellow bird that once was mine.

In my feelings, SMH

Eyes
Smile
Touch
Swagg
Are all weaknesses of mine

Resistance necessary
Not easy
Rejection deserved

But when I see you...
Hear your name
Feel your fingertips brush my hand
I shiver
Close my eyes
I want to submit to your grip
Smile after every kiss
Hold you till the new light touches the sky
I want you
I wanted you
I still do,
But not like this.

I'm terrified!
Fearful!
Cold inside.
When I think of a relationship with you I think of things that go bump in the night
You have stories and secrets
You've changed inside.
We embrace I feel great!
But fear resides.

"He gets it now God! He loves me, He always loved me! I knew I was right. I knew there was no other kiss like that, he said it himself. God he's sorry! Everything I predicted happened just as you told me God. It took him to see me but he's here now God, wants me God! You prepared me for this moment and now that it's here, Is he the one God....? What does this hesitation I feel mean God?"

I knew a man I fell in love with.
And yesterday I met someone old yet so new.
Baby steps must be made just to get to know you.
I made progress in my heart and in my spirit.
I made promises to God.
Spent months alone trying to fix my heart.
This is no overnight fix.
I am unsure about it ALL
Who you are, where your heart is, and if I'm worth it to you at all.

I am NOT the person I was before.
I KNOW I am capable of loving someone so sweet and so genuinely
I am that .01%
I WILL hold you down

BUT

I will NOT leave myself exposed as an open target to get stabbed in the heart.
God healed my wounds.
God lifted the burden off my spirit.
And I rebuke any attempt of pain, heartache, and sadness in my life.
Stephanie has to take care of Stephanie
I deserve one person and one person deserves me
And whoever that person is will be strengthen n guided by God to my heart no matter the costs.

Memoirs of a healed spirit in CONFLICT

Dear Blog its Summertime

Today is June 3rd, 2013 and I am not home.
I am enjoying my summer doing nothing and currently on the couch of my friend's house apartment in Sav.

In my mind my summer began last weekend with my wonderful weekend working with Shannon. That week was the start of my last week of school and it was empowering and beautiful but haven't had time to write about especially since I've told the story of that weekend so many times. I have to sit and kinda get into the mindset of that weekend. And I can't wait to do so cause it was truly beautiful :)

Today is Monday. and my summer began Friday. I worked all day Friday and the end of Saturday for SCAD 2013 Commencement. SCAD puts on a beautiful graduation and I hope the graduation in the fall is just as nice. Working that graduation got me hype and so pumped for my last year at SCAD. It also inspired me to walk not only as a SCAD graduate but a graduate of another school... Yes my friends, talk about grad school has come up again. And I'm praying and watching to see what the verdict will be but I'll be looking into all my options later this year. When I walked in my high school graduation I surely and proudly dropped a tear. Yes my parents were proud but I even more so. It was a super accomplishment and I worked really really hard through the IB program for years!
Finishing my undergrad degree in only 3 years is a greater reality now and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I will be one of thousands sitting before the stage in the civic center ready shake hands and receive my honors. Working graduation I learned about the different color tassels you get by academic school and the designation for graduating with honors which I put below:

Summa Cum Laude - equal to or greater than 3.90

Magna Cum Laude - equal to or greater than 3.70 and less than 3.90

Cum Laude - equal to or greater than 3.50 and less than 3.70  I'm aiming for Magna Cum Laude AT LEAST!! I can't wait to see what's next for me. I know I'll be successful anywhere and I'm excited to see what opportunities God brings my way! The decision will be based on my happiness, its all about me graduating SCAD and making art cause that is what will make me happy.

But now today is Monday and I am a free bird.
Planing things to do or laying in bed cause I can.
Going on roadtrips or watching a movie on the couch.
I am doing what I want to do.
This time in Savannah is my real vacation because when I get back to Florida things will get real.
I'll be back on my school tip and working a job as well.
And next thing you know it will be September and I'm a senior starting Fall quarter at SCAD!
soooooo I am soaking up the fun and sun and FREEDOM in Sav.


Last night I tried Insanity for the first time with my friend Cetina. Armstrong University offers it free at night everyday this summer! I can't do it every night but I intend to do as much as I can. I have never sweat as much as I did that night. I was dripping sweat into my eye and probably could have peed myself lol. Shirt soaked. Heart pumping mad crazy! And the jumping bits get me a little dizzy. But honestly Insanity is do able. There are ample amounts of breaks and lots of room for progress. From the first time I saw Shaun T. on the doctors talking about his workout plan I knew he was legit because his workout plans make healthy sense. Its all about keeping your form and pushing your muscles to the max with 30sec breaks max. You really can do it. You just have to tell your body you can do it. I'm excited to continue his workouts. Plus its entertaining. More fun then working out by myself with the previous workout challenge I tried out. Stephanie's getting this body BEYOND on point ;)

It feels nice to take care of me.
No room for negativity.
No worries hehe
I don't mind waiting on the Lord!
I don't mind waiting on the LORD!!