Saturday, March 30, 2013

I am a Vegetable

I am an onion.
Sliced in half.
The more layers I shed
The smaller I become.
Don't mistake this for negativity
Cause as I'm sliced and diced
I multiply
I take up more space
And with my pieces
What's cooked is great.



I assisted a wedding tonight with Shannon my boss and they had a live band there from Atlanta called Crystal Clear Band. The sax player was playing on a 40yr old saxophone it looked so antique but man was this band great! Everyone was getting it, the drummer, the bass guitarist, the singers, pianist, and of course the saxophone... it is my favorite jazz instrument.

During one of the songs I actually teared up watching them play. I can't watch someone play the saxophone without thinking of you. Watching them passionately play and move on stage, reminded me of something that someone will one day hopefully appreciate the way i would. Right then and there a layer was pulled off of me like an onion. And with every layer off the aroma causes your eyes to fill with tears. Had to catch myself real quick. I was gonna text you but I was working and my phone was dead. Then when I got home I decided to just tell you Happy Easter instead...
I don't know that you need to know these things, I know it doesn't phase you. In terms of progress and getting over each other you are oh so far ahead. Its a total contradiction cause I know these things don't phase you but telling you makes me feel like I'm influencing your head.

Before the ceremony, Shannon hid the bride Whitney down a hall, turner the corner and had her hide behind the wall just exposing her hand. Then he had the groom come down the same hall and stopped him right before he would turn the corner. He photographed them hold hands for a moment. The moment their hands touched they smiled sincere, with excitement, in love. He didn't see her and she didn't see him yet their eyes glowed with the embrace of their finger tips as if they were facing each other. Seconds passed and the photo was taken and the moment ended. He left the hallway to wait for his bride at the alter.

I'm so blessed and grateful for my experiences and the love that was learned. But through patience and my determination to be content I constantly find myself at a lost for what to do with these feelings. Their mature, full, passionate, and real as can be. I've oppressed them but now where do they go. I asked God to remove the heart ache and pain and he's answered that prayer but at the same time he's left me with something else to sort out...




Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Good Morning...

Hey..
Ye...

I don't hate you
It's not easy for me
I speak as God calls me to.

Hey..
Ye...

I don't want to push
I'm a nice person
I'm can be too nice

Hey..
Ye..

I can't get in God's way.
I'm feeling like I can handle more of you
But I'm also feeling like that feeling is misleading
That feeling is trying to distract me from what God is doing in my life

Hey...
Ye...

God's gonna work in you
I can't get in the way of that.
I still care too much
I'm not in control


Hey...
Ye..

I still have hope tucked away and hanging on single string
The String is made of steel
I can't find the right scissors

Hey...
Ye...

God will provide cause I have faith in him
My heart pours out endless amounts of prayers through my conscious
LORD I love you and give you Praise

Hey..
Ye...

Turn on the lights

LIBERATION!

Today was a regular day of school two classes back to back. I was running late this morning and had a quiz I was nervous about but I tell you Jesus works boy! My quiz was cancelled and my teacher didn't mark me absent!



When I was younger I wanted my ears pierced sooo bad! My mom was against it because my oldest sister had a bad experience when she had her ears pierced. I waited till my 18th birthday to pierce my ear lobes! It was a wonderful experience when it happened! That day was precious and I was surrounded by love.

After getting it pierced at Piercing Pagoda and loving my new ears everyday since I said when I was 21 that I would get my cartilage pierced. I actually wanted the industrial bar but after seeing it on lots of people at SCAD I changed my mind entirely just the single cartilage aka helix piercing would be just perfect.
Over Spring Break I was talking to someone about how I always wanted that pierced but I was waiting till I was 21. Then they said why are you waiting and I was like ummm IDK! I had no reason why I was waiting. With my mindset of always wanting to plan everything 21 sounded like a good time to do it!
Inspired to be spontaneous and go after what I wanted I was like man I'm gonna just do it if and when I can afford it. I googled what the procedure was like, researched and questioned about healing time, pain, costs, materials, I'm a researcher so I covered all my grounds! When telling my friend Ralph he coincidentally always wanted the same piercing as well! And he said whenever I went he'd join me. He's all about adventure so I defiantly choose him to come make it happen! He told me about a Christian based tattoo/piercing shop called "Resurrection Ink" and when I googled them they had great references and reviews AND they had a coupon for $5 off any piercing! I didn't want to spend my school money so I waited till I got paid from a side job and was able to pay for my piercing. After the coupon it was only $25 and that included the surgical steel stud.

After my class today I headed to South Savannah and met up with Ralph I was soooo nervous but so excited!! I really felt a sense of liberation that was about to happen. When I got my ear lobes pierced I had it recorded so of course I had to get this piercing recorded and I'll eventually put it on YouTube. Since I learned a lot from watching other people's videos I'd like to contribute. I am the biggest baby in the world with pain and hitting my toe on a door would hurt wayy more than my cartilage piercing! The guy that pierced it has a FB page but I'm not gonna post my picture on FB  but out of respect for his work I will post his link so anyone in Savannah interested can go to him.
Joe Buckler Pierced my Cartiledge!
This place is loves them some Jesus, they are professional, and oh so clean and sanitary!
http://www.resurrectionink.com/

I'm not gonna trip I left this shop feeling pretty bad ass. Its not a crazy nasty piercing but it's something I love, something I wanted and something that I felt permanently exemplifies my edge, my edge that not many people recognize. The little stud is so tiny no one has noticed on their own yet lol. It's doing well so far. No pain or nothing. Its just gonna be sore for a few months cause this part of the ear takes a long time to fully heal. I can't sleep on that side of my head and if anyone touches it or bumps it i'll probably blow a gasket lol jk but it will hurt tremendously lol. Otherwise I have to clean it twice a day by saturating it with a sea salt and distilled water mixture. They provided the sea salt for me and I went out n bought a gallon of distilled water. Distilled water is better than tap cause I don't want to risk any crazy minerals in the tap water that may react bad.




So whats next full body tattoo?! I thought about getting a little green pear with a purple and blue butterfly landing on top of it tattooed on like my side or maybe next to my hip bone on the front....
But NAWWWW! I'm done lol. But honestly I was giddy even after the fact cause I was proud of myself. Doing something for me feels great. Resisting my phone was hard I wanted to text and blast it but I did this for me so I'm keeping it to me. I don't consider my blog public since only a few people read it. and by time someone else reads it it'll be buried by other posts lol.
 
I still can't believe it happened!!!! I went to Resurrection Ink during the Passion week when Jesus is resurrected! MY God you are so awesome :) URGGHH I'm so happy. I hope you understand... <3

Monday, March 25, 2013

Thank You God

So last night I went to bed late cause i took a nap during the day. When I went to bed I said my prayers and rolled on over. In my sleep I had a horrible dream!! There were 3 main characters other than myself and they are all dear friends to me.
Characters: JF (female)
                    KD (male)
                    PA (male)
                    Teacher (male)
                    Teacher's wife
We were in a corrupt town or around corrupt people. And it was influencing my friends but I didn't know until later. My teacher had a gallery building in town and at some point I was there. Then JF and I went out together. We were walking around shopping i think. Then when headed home to the teacher's gallery building we say a group of men running really fast like they did something bad. JF and I hop in the car and start rushing home and have difficulty handling the car for some reason. We see cop cars and police men and that confirmed that someone was being chased.
Nearing the teacher's photo gallery space JF and I see a man running with a bloody chainsaw! Terrified we rushed in another direction.
Then all of a sudden JF starts crying and she tells me that her and KD broke up! Meanwhile, I see that while I am talking to JF, I get like a flashback as to how KD and PA had been chillen a lot more recently and PA influenced KD for the worst and then they began influencing each other negatively in this corrupt town. They just smiled and life about it thinking you only live once right...
I comfort JF and tell her trust me I know how it feels, I understand what it feels like to loose someone that you thought was forever, to not only end a relationship but to loose a precious friend and confidant.
Just as JF dries her eyes we get to the gallery building door and its locked. The whole street is dark and eerie and the shutters are pulled down. Scared to run into the criminal on the streets we start banging on the door! The professor opens up the door and we rush in. When I get in he looks disturbed and his wife looks like she's been crying herself. I ask where is PA and he begins to reach out to me as if I need comfort when I just wanted an answer. I repeated, "Where is PA!?" The teacher withdraws his hand from my shoulder and checks to see that no tears are falling from his eyes. He begins by saying, "Stephanie I'm so sorry..."
At this point my heart is racing not just in my dream but I feel my chest tense up in my sleep!
I responded to the teacher saying, "No! no! what are you saying is he...what happened!!??"
The teacher continued and explained that he watched it all happen from the gallery building window. The criminal on the run with the chainsaw had an issue with PA and when he found PA he stuck the running chainsaw in the center of his chest and ran it down to his navel!!! I nearly fainted! I cried out louder then ever before and began bawling. My teacher told me the chainsaw man is still on the run and that an ambulance took PA to the emergency room. But from what he witness it was clear in his eyes that PA was dead.
JF in turn comforting me now hugged me and sobbed. PA was my previous boyfriend and used to be my best friend. I fell to my knees and put my arms up and bowed my head and began to pray aloud. I asked God to spare his life, to step in and show his miraculous power. It looked like PA has died but I knew that no one but my GOD could save his life bring him from the dead if he had to. I began to think about the lifestyle PA and KD were living and how God must of done this to shock his life, shock his spirit and show him who is almighty and powerful.
For whatever reason I couldn't go to the hospital but I reached PA over the phone. To hear his voice was a beautiful blessing from God. As we talked I sensed a bit of attitude from his cause of his situation nearly dying and all and how they had to patch him up I assume. Nevertheless the conversation was emotional and not productive. It saddened me to see a great man nearly DIE and by the grace of God come out of it alive and STILL ignore God's power and still live a dangerous lifestyle. At that point God woke me up. almost 2 hours before my alarm went off.

As scary of a dream it was I woke up content, I woke up with a purpose. My spirit was urging me to reach out to PA, JF and KD via text since it was so early in the morning. I don't reach out to PA and I was hesitant to this morning. Then I listened to my heart and it wouldn't be right for me to ignore what God is trying to have me do right now. No matter what I think I can or can't handle God knows all so I got out my phone and I texted him a super long prayer, I impressed myself but I let God use me to do his work. I prayed for him cause life is short and God forbid anything like my dream ever come to fruition I want PA to find thanks in the mercy of GOD. In order to jump higher you gotta bend your knees and get closer to the ground in order to repel yourself up into the sky.
I also texted JF who received her prayer well and then I texted KD.
I don't know whats going on in any of these people's lives. Idk their relationship with God. I don't know their struggles and pain. But I do know that God urged me to uplift their spirits and remind them that Life is short,  God designed us with purpose! We are individually crafted with predestined goals. And that even when you think everything is wrong everything is right with God. He loved you first so you should love him.

Today is my first day of school and I'm smiling.
I've been praying constantly for patience and help being content because I DESIRE to be content with where I am in my life. I don't want to worry or be frustrated I just want to be content because God loves me and I love him and I trust he has already worked it out for me. I'm not gonna fight fate, I'm not gonna let little things get me down cause God is greater than all of those things!

THE POWER OF CONTENTMENT !!!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Getting into a new Routine

Last year I did some documentaries on the routine habits people adapt to from birth to adulthood. I documented a friend getting ready for bed and compared it to photographs of college students getting high, and college girls going to a party and coming home intoxicated. The point is that in all situations habitual methods were present in a specific sequence similar to the sequence of events when getting ready for bed.

The longest relationship I ever had was 2 months shy of 3 years. When in a relationship I got myself into a routine like anyone naturally would but this routine was satisfying it was comfortable and it felt right. When you have a sequence of steps in your routine you follow them cause they are efficient. When the sequence of steps in the routine get mixed up you compensate later and the next day it's back in order. Relationships work the same way. The benefit of a relationship, a serious (i wanna marry you) relationship is that you have 2 people working the routine and ensuring the steps are in order. But what can happen with all routines is that they can become monotonous and you'll desire to change it up or walk away entirely.

Walking away entirely sucks but thats what happened. So I've been forced to find a new routine cause my previous one was abandoned. Yes I'm working on me and my relationship with God and with all my trials I've gone thru I can testify that the blood still works! But as a believer I become an even greater target for the devil and I have to praise my way out of it.
I always said you can't turn off love like a light switch. One day I'll be able to turn off this light switch but I know it won't be no time soon. And thats because I care too much. Its a blessing and a curse. You let me love you and I'ma love hard and true. Everyday is a reminder that my routine has changed. The weather, driving, music, friends, family, clothes, Cocoa, shoes, and especially my crazy mind ALLL tempt me and serve as daily reminders of you. I pray over all of them, I rock myself to sleep, I ask God to clear my mind so rest easy. But when I wake up its the same thing all over again.
Shannon said I'm good cause I seem fine and that cause I'm not only battling patience but I'm determined to be content. God says when you find contentment in Him you won't worry, or be frustrated or upset. So I'm determined to find the good in all of this cause thinking any other way would honestly drive me mad! The blood still works and God is sheltering me, keeping me warm and showing me a love I know he will bless me with one day.

Me and God are good. I know who I am and I know what I have in Christ. But if you don't know yourself then no one else can really know you. So I'm not sure who you are anymore, the person I knew went missing and I don't know whether to expect him to return or be greeted by someone new. but until then its just a body with no identity. Now you're just somebody that I used to know and that's sad. But I've spent too much time being sad and I'd LIKE to be done with that now. But a part of me is holding onto my old routine... Sooner or later all of me will get with this new program but everything takes time.

The best advice I got was to pray for you every time you begin to occupy my mind, occupy my heart and my actions. Your grip is still too tight... therefore I pray for you then I pray for strength cause I'm in war everyday. But in Christ I enter battle triumphantly cause I know victory has already been promised to me.

#2:53AM 
First Day back at school in 8 hrs

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Laying in the Sun @Delray Beach

 
Haven't been to the beach since New Years Eve!
It was a cloudy day but I still had a little of the Florida heat.
 
The sun teased my skin coming out for a minute then hiding behind clouds again.
I didn't even go in the water
 
I knew it would be cold
So I didn't bother
 
I chilled with a friend and his baby brother. It was nice to catch up I wish I could with Amber.
 
I'm actually looking forward to my summer in Delray.
I'll be taking 4 classes and get to hang out with my friends from back in the day.
Donovan
Amber
Julian too
It's uplifting to be in the presence of people who truly miss and care for you.
I'm a good person and good people should be around others like that too.
 
 

I'm guarding my heart, GOD has taken control.
I'm not looking for love cause that cup is full.
Delray is my hometown and symbolic of growth
But at the same time its a place that tempts my faith because I'm surrounded by memories close to my heart. I'm surrounded by moments and feelings that I don't regret.
It's just a shame that the time did end.
I'm working on getting over those letters E.N.D.
Cause God doesn't close a door without leaving a bigger one open for me.
 
 
Be Yourself
Be Honest
Be Blessed <3

I know your reading

I know you're reading this cause you know this is where i go to vent, you know if I'm feeling a certain way it'll end up right here on this page.
I'm on the road now and can't stop thinking about God and you.

I'm was getting ready to leave my parents house in Florida and i go in my room to find some poetry from middle school...
Instead what do i find first a little zales bag with an empty ring box (symbolic isn't it)  as well as notes and poems i wrote to you before we starting dating and the earlier months of our relationship...
Damn! Is all i can say! Like boy did God allow me and bless me with a time and place and person to learn to love and be love. I was blessed with the feeling of completion and driven purpose to be a vessel of God and experience quite a love...

I feel like i got a divorce. And now i have to deal with being patient and doing what's right in the eyes of God every day. Now in forced to consider that we are divorced because God has some one else specially designed for me...

How awful am i to still wish that person to be you? Am i a fool, foolishly hung up in a love that isn't even there. That's what gets me the most, that's what makes me a fool for you.. The fact that i love someone that doesn't love me. I warned you when you asked me to write you something deep. I warned you in every poetic love letter that left you warm inside. I love hard and my love is faithful and now alone I've translated that love to the attention of my Lord and Savior all is well at least it will be once i handle being patient better.

I'm a mess under control.
I'm full of waves crashing against a Levy.
I've wanted to text you, to call you, and see you
All i keep doing is thinking about where and what's going on with you
Then i have to arrest my mind and mentally lock you away just to relieve  the pressure from my chest and to stop the turning in my stomach.

Thinking about you jacks me up cause we had so much. Bash it all you want at the end of the day it was beautiful, genuine, wholesome honest love.

Don't worry any one else but you. I pray you find yourself. Once you Connect your heart, spirit, and body then identity and esteem will be balanced and present in your life.

God give me strength, take this heart ache off my chest. Draw me nearer Lord. Order my steps to live the life you want me to lead. Provide me the tools and the knowledge to be a vessel and an example. I need help God, i desire to be patient and obedient with the help of your strength. Hear my call God...
in your name i pray, Amen.



March 17th, 2013

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

My biggest PRINT ever!

So I have turned a corner in my nude photography. For those of you who thought I did it for kicks and giggles.. you were wrong! I really honestly! TRULY! Have a passion for photographing nude bodies. There is something passionate and honest and vulnerable about it that I like. In my images I compose I can create another world with a body part you see every day.

One of my professors (Craig Stevens aka photo daddy) proposed that I see one of my images larger than life. I mean like GALLERY BIG is what I call it lol. He enjoyed my work so much he offered to print ONE image of my choosing for free... ECSTATIC this is the image I choose below and for scale purposes I sat in on the picture so you can see how big it really is :)

This picture really made my day! I am very excited to start getting my life together in terms or my photography this spring break (next week). I have lots of work to do in order to become Gallery ready. Fix my new site for  Stephanie Brown Photography, make some new business cards, create leave behinds and post cards for career fair and companies. Lots of work! but its exciting work cause this year I am going to get my work into a gallery!! I can feel it, its gonna happen!

AFTER FINALS (2 more days) I will share with the world a little of the series I have put together. But all in do time :)

I'm gonna sit right here till you find me

So the other day I had a Facebook status that said: "I'm gonna sit right here till you find me."
This line summed up where my mind is at. I feel like I've reached a resting place in my life where I can be still and let God work. I'm in a place where I am ready and confident that I can be patient. I learned that last Sunday that people often mistake living for the Lord as an easy peaceful life with no problems. The reality is when you exalt God and live the life he wants you to lead, you become a moving TARGET for the devil. He wants you down and out and walking with God actually can bring more problems but that's where you get to stand up for your faith and really show the devil who is in charge. God is over my life and he blessed me with a very strong will. I put that in the name of the Lord and I am determined to block all the blows the devil tries to throw in my path. I am committed to my Lord and Savior, and even in my questioning and day by day experiences with people I meet I know that God knows and I'm going to be patient and listen to him. God has an amazing man crafted just for me and no matter how hard it is now it will get easier through prayer and persistence. I'm gonna sit right here till God is ready for love to find me, cause when I love...I love with all the power instilled in me.

When I know I know
I know my heart enough to say its infatuation
I know my heart enough to say its nothing
What separates me from you is that I know what I'm doing
God lent me the confidence because I seek his knowledge
I know when I made a mistake
And I know what not to repeat.

You left stains
On my skin
On my sheets
On my me
I let my guard down for you
In return I'm stained.

His blood washed me clean
Now I sit and wait and let love return to me
Return when its right
Return when its grown
Return when every circumstance is ready for the love I bring.

When I know I know
Cause I know me
There's something in between
But I won't question what I can't see

When its time for me to know, I'll know
When its time for me to react I'll be fast
But I know enough to know
That I'll never know
So I sit here and wait and let love return to me.

 
-Stephanie Brown

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Congratulations Envy

I'm really happy for you
Honest I am
But HonestLY the word happy can't fall out my mouth.
Anxiety
Can't Breathe
Hit my chest to get my heart back on beat
Be still...
I'm trying Lord
But I just can't help to wonder when it will be me
Saying cheese for the pictures I take
Soaking up the Congratulations and blessings thrown in my face
To my phone
And my timeline won't leave me alone
But I wait...
Cause I can't schedule what I can't control.

I won't lie I'm jelly
I want that to be me
Happiness
Rose petals
Throw rice at me!
Me and Mr. Unknown
Cause according to God its too soon
To reveal my future forever
So I wait...
Pause
Take a break
Congratulations Envy!
You're testing my faith.