Last year I did some documentaries on the routine habits people adapt to from birth to adulthood. I documented a friend getting ready for bed and compared it to photographs of college students getting high, and college girls going to a party and coming home intoxicated. The point is that in all situations habitual methods were present in a specific sequence similar to the sequence of events when getting ready for bed.
The longest relationship I ever had was 2 months shy of 3 years. When in a relationship I got myself into a routine like anyone naturally would but this routine was satisfying it was comfortable and it felt right. When you have a sequence of steps in your routine you follow them cause they are efficient. When the sequence of steps in the routine get mixed up you compensate later and the next day it's back in order. Relationships work the same way. The benefit of a relationship, a serious (i wanna marry you) relationship is that you have 2 people working the routine and ensuring the steps are in order. But what can happen with all routines is that they can become monotonous and you'll desire to change it up or walk away entirely.
Walking away entirely sucks but thats what happened. So I've been forced to find a new routine cause my previous one was abandoned. Yes I'm working on me and my relationship with God and with all my trials I've gone thru I can testify that the blood still works! But as a believer I become an even greater target for the devil and I have to praise my way out of it.
I always said you can't turn off love like a light switch. One day I'll be able to turn off this light switch but I know it won't be no time soon. And thats because I care too much. Its a blessing and a curse. You let me love you and I'ma love hard and true. Everyday is a reminder that my routine has changed. The weather, driving, music, friends, family, clothes, Cocoa, shoes, and especially my crazy mind ALLL tempt me and serve as daily reminders of you. I pray over all of them, I rock myself to sleep, I ask God to clear my mind so rest easy. But when I wake up its the same thing all over again.
Shannon said I'm good cause I seem fine and that cause I'm not only battling patience but I'm determined to be content. God says when you find contentment in Him you won't worry, or be frustrated or upset. So I'm determined to find the good in all of this cause thinking any other way would honestly drive me mad! The blood still works and God is sheltering me, keeping me warm and showing me a love I know he will bless me with one day.
Me and God are good. I know who I am and I know what I have in Christ. But if you don't know yourself then no one else can really know you. So I'm not sure who you are anymore, the person I knew went missing and I don't know whether to expect him to return or be greeted by someone new. but until then its just a body with no identity. Now you're just somebody that I used to know and that's sad. But I've spent too much time being sad and I'd LIKE to be done with that now. But a part of me is holding onto my old routine... Sooner or later all of me will get with this new program but everything takes time.
The best advice I got was to pray for you every time you begin to occupy my mind, occupy my heart and my actions. Your grip is still too tight... therefore I pray for you then I pray for strength cause I'm in war everyday. But in Christ I enter battle triumphantly cause I know victory has already been promised to me.
#2:53AM
First Day back at school in 8 hrs
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