This is How I Feel

Its all about love.

The act of love
From start to finish

Or lack of finishing at all.

I'm fascinated and touched by love.
God has revealed in me a spirit and heart that has taken my emotions beyond the flesh
Beyond you, me, and any other body that may come up in between
I speak, sing, write, act, listen, help all cause of love.

My Lord and Savior wants nothing more then for me to take the love I have for him and share it.
HE wants a man to love me in a way that reflects the love HE has for me

Vice Versa

I'm not sad. I'm not disappointed. I'm not angry. I'm not impatient.

I'm in a place called wait and my GOD is molding me.
The right thing to do is never easy BUT I choose the right thing to do because it will bless me.
You do whats right simply because it's right.
As I embrace the molding and changes in my life I question EVERYTHING
Sometimes a little too much
I want to know who you are, what you mean and what your purpose is
I want to know why I do and DON'T feel a certain way.
Then I breath....

Let my mind settle down and go to God in prayer.
LORD I trust you and I know everything happens for a reason.
Guide me in a path that favors and honors you God

I'm happy to report I've been reading quite a bit of Proverbs in the bible. I've been referred to go to that book quite a bit this week. There is too much to post but Proverbs 18 and 31 are some key chapters! Not just the verse but the chapter which will make everything clearer.

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Tonight I watched my friend George Lovett perform a tribute to the legendary Luther Vandross. The performance was beautiful and emotional as expected. This song by luther stood out to me tonight so I shared some of the words and the Youtube Video for you all to hear.
Listening to this song I feel that its not about going backwards and regretting anything. It's about accepting and knowing that if there was a 2nd chance it would be all for the love.
And of all the layers that have been pealed off my body I am starting finally rest in that thought and that feeling. Ultimately its all about the love. Not  the individuals and not the flesh.

But its about the beautiful, tender, genuine and true love that existed. And despite it's end it's the love that holds the greatest value and will always and forever be remembered.

 

 

 

I'm not coming home anymore, doesn't matter

Well if I had the chance to hold you again

I'd fill your heart with joy and make you remember

I'm the only one for you, yes I would

Let's throw the bad memories out and make this the first day

Forever, for always, for love

Read more: LUTHER VANDROSS - FOREVER, FOR ALWAYS, FOR LOVE LYRICS

Day 1 of Prayer

So today was the start of my prayer meetings with my spiritual mommy over the phone.
Tues/Thurs/Fri we pray at 10am... or really she prays and I open my heart to receive.

I just really wanted to mention that it happened.
Listening to her Pray for me and over my life and concerns really helps me learn how to better my own prayer.

She took the first 4 mins just glorifying God. Thanking him for the warm blood running through our veins, for waking us up, for blessing our lives, and things like that. It's important to go to God in total admiration for his power and what he's done and will do in our lives.

Then she went into praying for my hurt, my burdens. Asking God to guide me on a straight and narrow path. Asking God to help me determine the emotions I feel from his voice to something else. She prayed for my strength and faith in that if its God's will then it will be done. She mentioned how God will deliver me all the desires of my heart if those desires are in his will. She prayed for him... She prayed God would deliver him and guide him and take a hold of his life and of mine. She prayed that God would instill in his heart to do what is right and for our happiness however God may will it.

Then she glorified God's name some more. thanking him for using her as a vessel to counsel me in this time. Thanked God for my willingness and desire to draw closer to him even in my trials.

Amen...


One day at a time she told me and I responded, yes m'mam... no skipping steps.
Then she said when you skip steps it makes you have to go back.
I recognize that and I declare to God I will let him do his work, i won't skip steps and i will take my days one at a time trusting in him.

Memoirs of Anie

Prayer

Thank You God

So last night I went to bed late cause i took a nap during the day. When I went to bed I said my prayers and rolled on over. In my sleep I had a horrible dream!! There were 3 main characters other than myself and they are all dear friends to me.
Characters: JF (female)
                    KD (male)
                    PA (male)
                    Teacher (male)
                    Teacher's wife
We were in a corrupt town or around corrupt people. And it was influencing my friends but I didn't know until later. My teacher had a gallery building in town and at some point I was there. Then JF and I went out together. We were walking around shopping i think. Then when headed home to the teacher's gallery building we say a group of men running really fast like they did something bad. JF and I hop in the car and start rushing home and have difficulty handling the car for some reason. We see cop cars and police men and that confirmed that someone was being chased.
Nearing the teacher's photo gallery space JF and I see a man running with a bloody chainsaw! Terrified we rushed in another direction.
Then all of a sudden JF starts crying and she tells me that her and KD broke up! Meanwhile, I see that while I am talking to JF, I get like a flashback as to how KD and PA had been chillen a lot more recently and PA influenced KD for the worst and then they began influencing each other negatively in this corrupt town. They just smiled and life about it thinking you only live once right...
I comfort JF and tell her trust me I know how it feels, I understand what it feels like to loose someone that you thought was forever, to not only end a relationship but to loose a precious friend and confidant.
Just as JF dries her eyes we get to the gallery building door and its locked. The whole street is dark and eerie and the shutters are pulled down. Scared to run into the criminal on the streets we start banging on the door! The professor opens up the door and we rush in. When I get in he looks disturbed and his wife looks like she's been crying herself. I ask where is PA and he begins to reach out to me as if I need comfort when I just wanted an answer. I repeated, "Where is PA!?" The teacher withdraws his hand from my shoulder and checks to see that no tears are falling from his eyes. He begins by saying, "Stephanie I'm so sorry..."
At this point my heart is racing not just in my dream but I feel my chest tense up in my sleep!
I responded to the teacher saying, "No! no! what are you saying is he...what happened!!??"
The teacher continued and explained that he watched it all happen from the gallery building window. The criminal on the run with the chainsaw had an issue with PA and when he found PA he stuck the running chainsaw in the center of his chest and ran it down to his navel!!! I nearly fainted! I cried out louder then ever before and began bawling. My teacher told me the chainsaw man is still on the run and that an ambulance took PA to the emergency room. But from what he witness it was clear in his eyes that PA was dead.
JF in turn comforting me now hugged me and sobbed. PA was my previous boyfriend and used to be my best friend. I fell to my knees and put my arms up and bowed my head and began to pray aloud. I asked God to spare his life, to step in and show his miraculous power. It looked like PA has died but I knew that no one but my GOD could save his life bring him from the dead if he had to. I began to think about the lifestyle PA and KD were living and how God must of done this to shock his life, shock his spirit and show him who is almighty and powerful.
For whatever reason I couldn't go to the hospital but I reached PA over the phone. To hear his voice was a beautiful blessing from God. As we talked I sensed a bit of attitude from his cause of his situation nearly dying and all and how they had to patch him up I assume. Nevertheless the conversation was emotional and not productive. It saddened me to see a great man nearly DIE and by the grace of God come out of it alive and STILL ignore God's power and still live a dangerous lifestyle. At that point God woke me up. almost 2 hours before my alarm went off.

As scary of a dream it was I woke up content, I woke up with a purpose. My spirit was urging me to reach out to PA, JF and KD via text since it was so early in the morning. I don't reach out to PA and I was hesitant to this morning. Then I listened to my heart and it wouldn't be right for me to ignore what God is trying to have me do right now. No matter what I think I can or can't handle God knows all so I got out my phone and I texted him a super long prayer, I impressed myself but I let God use me to do his work. I prayed for him cause life is short and God forbid anything like my dream ever come to fruition I want PA to find thanks in the mercy of GOD. In order to jump higher you gotta bend your knees and get closer to the ground in order to repel yourself up into the sky.
I also texted JF who received her prayer well and then I texted KD.
I don't know whats going on in any of these people's lives. Idk their relationship with God. I don't know their struggles and pain. But I do know that God urged me to uplift their spirits and remind them that Life is short,  God designed us with purpose! We are individually crafted with predestined goals. And that even when you think everything is wrong everything is right with God. He loved you first so you should love him.

Today is my first day of school and I'm smiling.
I've been praying constantly for patience and help being content because I DESIRE to be content with where I am in my life. I don't want to worry or be frustrated I just want to be content because God loves me and I love him and I trust he has already worked it out for me. I'm not gonna fight fate, I'm not gonna let little things get me down cause God is greater than all of those things!

THE POWER OF CONTENTMENT !!!

I know your reading

I know you're reading this cause you know this is where i go to vent, you know if I'm feeling a certain way it'll end up right here on this page.
I'm on the road now and can't stop thinking about God and you.

I'm was getting ready to leave my parents house in Florida and i go in my room to find some poetry from middle school...
Instead what do i find first a little zales bag with an empty ring box (symbolic isn't it)  as well as notes and poems i wrote to you before we starting dating and the earlier months of our relationship...
Damn! Is all i can say! Like boy did God allow me and bless me with a time and place and person to learn to love and be love. I was blessed with the feeling of completion and driven purpose to be a vessel of God and experience quite a love...

I feel like i got a divorce. And now i have to deal with being patient and doing what's right in the eyes of God every day. Now in forced to consider that we are divorced because God has some one else specially designed for me...

How awful am i to still wish that person to be you? Am i a fool, foolishly hung up in a love that isn't even there. That's what gets me the most, that's what makes me a fool for you.. The fact that i love someone that doesn't love me. I warned you when you asked me to write you something deep. I warned you in every poetic love letter that left you warm inside. I love hard and my love is faithful and now alone I've translated that love to the attention of my Lord and Savior all is well at least it will be once i handle being patient better.

I'm a mess under control.
I'm full of waves crashing against a Levy.
I've wanted to text you, to call you, and see you
All i keep doing is thinking about where and what's going on with you
Then i have to arrest my mind and mentally lock you away just to relieve  the pressure from my chest and to stop the turning in my stomach.

Thinking about you jacks me up cause we had so much. Bash it all you want at the end of the day it was beautiful, genuine, wholesome honest love.

Don't worry any one else but you. I pray you find yourself. Once you Connect your heart, spirit, and body then identity and esteem will be balanced and present in your life.

God give me strength, take this heart ache off my chest. Draw me nearer Lord. Order my steps to live the life you want me to lead. Provide me the tools and the knowledge to be a vessel and an example. I need help God, i desire to be patient and obedient with the help of your strength. Hear my call God...
in your name i pray, Amen.

March 17th, 2013

The hardest thing...

The hardest thing just became harder.
A las God has put me in complete isolation
He's pushed and forced me to relinquish everything and anything
That either has or have had potential to be greater than Him.
My God is an awesome God
But he is also a jealous one.

Am I scared... of course
Crying... Duh
Confident.... Over time

I've been lifting all of my concerns and worries up to God but today... oh Lord today God made me pack up, lift and carry the one thing I had left. And honestly in all my pain and hurt I still love God and I know that he is testing me. Because if I trust Him and have Faith in Him then I should just know that my problems are taken care of. The healing process that remains is asking God to remove this pain from my heart. Confessing to Him that I've given Him my EVERYTHING! And thats where my problem became a problem. I allowed my greatest concern to be bigger than God, I allowed him to be my everything, my backbone, my picker upper. But that is a job for God. God is my EVERYTHING my backbone, my provider, no man but God can treat me and deliever me.

So therefore I am solitary floating in the hands of Jesus...

Lonely nights, rough days, sad news it's just me an Jesus. I sincerely told God I wanted to get closer to Him and he is simply answering my prayer. I didn't prepare myself for the serious TURN OVER in my life that occured but God gave me a strong heart and an optimistic spirit and when I tell you I am fighting the devil boy am I fighting the devil! I am fighting depression, I am fighting lonliness, I am fighting doubt because God did not put those things in me. I know it will take time but God with his love will be patient and kind and help  carry me to a place of happiness like never before.

God I truly truly truly GIVE MYSELF AWAY.
Watch me and protect me, be my Lord and Savior.
My happiness and understanding is next to you, this time I'm not going anywhere.

 

Exodus Chapter 20:

1 And God spoke all these words:2 "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.3 "You shall have no other gods before me.4 "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand [ generations] of those who love me and keep my commandments.  





I gotta fall in love with Jesus and if it is his will then one day I'll meet you again.