Separated: I'm Sick

I have the urghh to write!
But my mind body and soul are separated...

I've been flooded with homework all week.
Restless naps and early morning filled with homework
My assignments have me writing and reading and annotating till I have to run out the door
Can't be late to class no more.

Exhausted.
But the hours I endure.
When I'm out of class I sit somewhere new or familiar
I prepare myself for work
Yet I linger.

Exhausted my mind starts to dream
Sweet memories stirred up by the things I see.
Young love
Laughter
Loneliness, I don't know what I'm after.
I'm an Observationalist
I react emotionally to everything that blesses my senses
Ears
Nose
Hands
Glasses.

Summer B
Midterms are next week
I'm taking 3 classes.
Every classes sparks my mind to go somewhere that doesn't matter.
My heart, my soul, my mind they are scattered
Everytime I travel I want to write but I'm too tired.
I don't want to rush the process I want it to be natural
Cause the feelings I have inside must be released!
Patience is what I'm after,
Cause my mind, my soul, my heart are scattered

They need to come home
'Come one
I'm sick.
I'm tired.

Good Morning...

Hey..
Ye...

I don't hate you
It's not easy for me
I speak as God calls me to.

Hey..
Ye...

I don't want to push
I'm a nice person
I'm can be too nice

Hey..
Ye..

I can't get in God's way.
I'm feeling like I can handle more of you
But I'm also feeling like that feeling is misleading
That feeling is trying to distract me from what God is doing in my life

Hey...
Ye...

God's gonna work in you
I can't get in the way of that.
I still care too much
I'm not in control


Hey...
Ye..

I still have hope tucked away and hanging on single string
The String is made of steel
I can't find the right scissors

Hey...
Ye...

God will provide cause I have faith in him
My heart pours out endless amounts of prayers through my conscious
LORD I love you and give you Praise

Hey..
Ye...

Turn on the lights

Thank You God

So last night I went to bed late cause i took a nap during the day. When I went to bed I said my prayers and rolled on over. In my sleep I had a horrible dream!! There were 3 main characters other than myself and they are all dear friends to me.
Characters: JF (female)
                    KD (male)
                    PA (male)
                    Teacher (male)
                    Teacher's wife
We were in a corrupt town or around corrupt people. And it was influencing my friends but I didn't know until later. My teacher had a gallery building in town and at some point I was there. Then JF and I went out together. We were walking around shopping i think. Then when headed home to the teacher's gallery building we say a group of men running really fast like they did something bad. JF and I hop in the car and start rushing home and have difficulty handling the car for some reason. We see cop cars and police men and that confirmed that someone was being chased.
Nearing the teacher's photo gallery space JF and I see a man running with a bloody chainsaw! Terrified we rushed in another direction.
Then all of a sudden JF starts crying and she tells me that her and KD broke up! Meanwhile, I see that while I am talking to JF, I get like a flashback as to how KD and PA had been chillen a lot more recently and PA influenced KD for the worst and then they began influencing each other negatively in this corrupt town. They just smiled and life about it thinking you only live once right...
I comfort JF and tell her trust me I know how it feels, I understand what it feels like to loose someone that you thought was forever, to not only end a relationship but to loose a precious friend and confidant.
Just as JF dries her eyes we get to the gallery building door and its locked. The whole street is dark and eerie and the shutters are pulled down. Scared to run into the criminal on the streets we start banging on the door! The professor opens up the door and we rush in. When I get in he looks disturbed and his wife looks like she's been crying herself. I ask where is PA and he begins to reach out to me as if I need comfort when I just wanted an answer. I repeated, "Where is PA!?" The teacher withdraws his hand from my shoulder and checks to see that no tears are falling from his eyes. He begins by saying, "Stephanie I'm so sorry..."
At this point my heart is racing not just in my dream but I feel my chest tense up in my sleep!
I responded to the teacher saying, "No! no! what are you saying is he...what happened!!??"
The teacher continued and explained that he watched it all happen from the gallery building window. The criminal on the run with the chainsaw had an issue with PA and when he found PA he stuck the running chainsaw in the center of his chest and ran it down to his navel!!! I nearly fainted! I cried out louder then ever before and began bawling. My teacher told me the chainsaw man is still on the run and that an ambulance took PA to the emergency room. But from what he witness it was clear in his eyes that PA was dead.
JF in turn comforting me now hugged me and sobbed. PA was my previous boyfriend and used to be my best friend. I fell to my knees and put my arms up and bowed my head and began to pray aloud. I asked God to spare his life, to step in and show his miraculous power. It looked like PA has died but I knew that no one but my GOD could save his life bring him from the dead if he had to. I began to think about the lifestyle PA and KD were living and how God must of done this to shock his life, shock his spirit and show him who is almighty and powerful.
For whatever reason I couldn't go to the hospital but I reached PA over the phone. To hear his voice was a beautiful blessing from God. As we talked I sensed a bit of attitude from his cause of his situation nearly dying and all and how they had to patch him up I assume. Nevertheless the conversation was emotional and not productive. It saddened me to see a great man nearly DIE and by the grace of God come out of it alive and STILL ignore God's power and still live a dangerous lifestyle. At that point God woke me up. almost 2 hours before my alarm went off.

As scary of a dream it was I woke up content, I woke up with a purpose. My spirit was urging me to reach out to PA, JF and KD via text since it was so early in the morning. I don't reach out to PA and I was hesitant to this morning. Then I listened to my heart and it wouldn't be right for me to ignore what God is trying to have me do right now. No matter what I think I can or can't handle God knows all so I got out my phone and I texted him a super long prayer, I impressed myself but I let God use me to do his work. I prayed for him cause life is short and God forbid anything like my dream ever come to fruition I want PA to find thanks in the mercy of GOD. In order to jump higher you gotta bend your knees and get closer to the ground in order to repel yourself up into the sky.
I also texted JF who received her prayer well and then I texted KD.
I don't know whats going on in any of these people's lives. Idk their relationship with God. I don't know their struggles and pain. But I do know that God urged me to uplift their spirits and remind them that Life is short,  God designed us with purpose! We are individually crafted with predestined goals. And that even when you think everything is wrong everything is right with God. He loved you first so you should love him.

Today is my first day of school and I'm smiling.
I've been praying constantly for patience and help being content because I DESIRE to be content with where I am in my life. I don't want to worry or be frustrated I just want to be content because God loves me and I love him and I trust he has already worked it out for me. I'm not gonna fight fate, I'm not gonna let little things get me down cause God is greater than all of those things!

THE POWER OF CONTENTMENT !!!

Laying in the Sun @Delray Beach

 

Haven't been to the beach since New Years Eve!

It was a cloudy day but I still had a little of the Florida heat.

 

The sun teased my skin coming out for a minute then hiding behind clouds again.

I didn't even go in the water

 

I knew it would be cold

So I didn't bother

 

I chilled with a friend and his baby brother. It was nice to catch up I wish I could with Amber.

 

I'm actually looking forward to my summer in Delray.

I'll be taking 4 classes and get to hang out with my friends from back in the day.

Donovan

Amber

Julian too

It's uplifting to be in the presence of people who truly miss and care for you.

I'm a good person and good people should be around others like that too.

 

 

I'm guarding my heart, GOD has taken control.

I'm not looking for love cause that cup is full.

Delray is my hometown and symbolic of growth

But at the same time its a place that tempts my faith because I'm surrounded by memories close to my heart. I'm surrounded by moments and feelings that I don't regret.

It's just a shame that the time did end.

I'm working on getting over those letters E.N.D.

Cause God doesn't close a door without leaving a bigger one open for me.

 

 

Be Yourself

Be Honest

Be Blessed <3

I know your reading

I know you're reading this cause you know this is where i go to vent, you know if I'm feeling a certain way it'll end up right here on this page.
I'm on the road now and can't stop thinking about God and you.

I'm was getting ready to leave my parents house in Florida and i go in my room to find some poetry from middle school...
Instead what do i find first a little zales bag with an empty ring box (symbolic isn't it)  as well as notes and poems i wrote to you before we starting dating and the earlier months of our relationship...
Damn! Is all i can say! Like boy did God allow me and bless me with a time and place and person to learn to love and be love. I was blessed with the feeling of completion and driven purpose to be a vessel of God and experience quite a love...

I feel like i got a divorce. And now i have to deal with being patient and doing what's right in the eyes of God every day. Now in forced to consider that we are divorced because God has some one else specially designed for me...

How awful am i to still wish that person to be you? Am i a fool, foolishly hung up in a love that isn't even there. That's what gets me the most, that's what makes me a fool for you.. The fact that i love someone that doesn't love me. I warned you when you asked me to write you something deep. I warned you in every poetic love letter that left you warm inside. I love hard and my love is faithful and now alone I've translated that love to the attention of my Lord and Savior all is well at least it will be once i handle being patient better.

I'm a mess under control.
I'm full of waves crashing against a Levy.
I've wanted to text you, to call you, and see you
All i keep doing is thinking about where and what's going on with you
Then i have to arrest my mind and mentally lock you away just to relieve  the pressure from my chest and to stop the turning in my stomach.

Thinking about you jacks me up cause we had so much. Bash it all you want at the end of the day it was beautiful, genuine, wholesome honest love.

Don't worry any one else but you. I pray you find yourself. Once you Connect your heart, spirit, and body then identity and esteem will be balanced and present in your life.

God give me strength, take this heart ache off my chest. Draw me nearer Lord. Order my steps to live the life you want me to lead. Provide me the tools and the knowledge to be a vessel and an example. I need help God, i desire to be patient and obedient with the help of your strength. Hear my call God...
in your name i pray, Amen.

March 17th, 2013

Be nice to everyone and you are never at fault.

Disappointed today.
I just don't understand.
How can someone choose to walk away from a friendship?
True friendships within stand the most.

Taught to forgive and be kind always.
But females can be best friends one day and then calling each other nasty names and avoiding them in public.
That's just too much work for me.
Am I wrong?
I honestly choose to be humble and nice to everyone despite what I or someone else hears or feels or thinks.

God is preparing my heart for something.
And I'm just going to trust him.
I know one thing for sure is I'm never backing down on my dreams, my goals.
I have a friend in Jesus and he has provided me with a loving family and man who supports my dreams.

Forget the rest.

And to be honest I did ask God to remove anything from my life that displeases him... who knows.
People come and go but you gotta stay true to yourself. Staying true to my art is me being close to my heart.

Sweet Dreams.