Hair Doesn't Lie

A few days ago I went and got my hair done by my hair stylist Zakiyah. I was in a bit of a rush because the next day (Sat) I had International Festival and I have a hair show to work and I wanted to look good with a fresh twist out.
After she washed my hair and began the twists she asked my if I am stressing? I responded kinda confused. I was like I was but I'm not stressing right now I'm good. And then as she continued she was like, "Stephanie you need to stop stressing seriously!" And I'm like what are you talking about!?! She then shared with me that my hair was thinning...

I didn't know what to say. My hair is so thick for it to begin thinning may be hard to tell but she sees me every 2-3 weeks so she really knows my head the best. That news was alarming to me... My hair is thinning. I know I been going through some stuff lately but I felt like I was good, I made progress and I was cool. But your hair does not lie to you. Let me repeat your HAIR DOES NOT LIE!

Your hair is an extension of you, your spirit emotionally and physically. Your hair is a reflection and growing extension of your being. You ever hear of women going through a bad divorce and their hair start breaking off, or people going through lots of stuff and getting bald spots. Sometimes people go through a rough patch in their lives and they start fresh with new clothes, new home, and often time new hair! Cutting your hair differently or rocking a new style is a great way to start fresh. Showcase a new you and with your new growth comes your new happiness. They hair you cut away and tossed in the trash is the same as cutting away that debt, or divorce, or death in the family.

I'm not concerned about loosing my hair or anything so don't freak out. But this defiantly made me re-evaluate how well I think I really am. I say I'm good but apparently my hair feels otherwise...
I've been in prayer about it and mentioned it to my spiritual mommy. She wants me to pray with her 3 times a week until I get stronger. I'm determined to be content. I'm determined to be happy. I'm so blessed and talented I don't want to waste my time feeling anything but positive. At the same time I can't fool myself and I have to get stronger in every aspect of my life. God made me such a solider man! Even my boss when I talked to him he was like "for everything that's been going on you seem good." He said he'd never guess. At first I felt accomplished, I felt like good job Stephanie you got that wall back up separating you from revealing how you are feeling. I put up walls in grade school, now I have Jesus to help guard my heart. I want to be strong without the need of a wall. I want to be strong whether I talk to you or not...

I've got a hard shell on the outside. My body is no longer transparent. I'm opaque.

As for my insides.. that's still wet concrete and I'm going to work on it getting dry.
All in all I'm going to be fine, Glory Be to God.

 

I know your reading

I know you're reading this cause you know this is where i go to vent, you know if I'm feeling a certain way it'll end up right here on this page.
I'm on the road now and can't stop thinking about God and you.

I'm was getting ready to leave my parents house in Florida and i go in my room to find some poetry from middle school...
Instead what do i find first a little zales bag with an empty ring box (symbolic isn't it)  as well as notes and poems i wrote to you before we starting dating and the earlier months of our relationship...
Damn! Is all i can say! Like boy did God allow me and bless me with a time and place and person to learn to love and be love. I was blessed with the feeling of completion and driven purpose to be a vessel of God and experience quite a love...

I feel like i got a divorce. And now i have to deal with being patient and doing what's right in the eyes of God every day. Now in forced to consider that we are divorced because God has some one else specially designed for me...

How awful am i to still wish that person to be you? Am i a fool, foolishly hung up in a love that isn't even there. That's what gets me the most, that's what makes me a fool for you.. The fact that i love someone that doesn't love me. I warned you when you asked me to write you something deep. I warned you in every poetic love letter that left you warm inside. I love hard and my love is faithful and now alone I've translated that love to the attention of my Lord and Savior all is well at least it will be once i handle being patient better.

I'm a mess under control.
I'm full of waves crashing against a Levy.
I've wanted to text you, to call you, and see you
All i keep doing is thinking about where and what's going on with you
Then i have to arrest my mind and mentally lock you away just to relieve  the pressure from my chest and to stop the turning in my stomach.

Thinking about you jacks me up cause we had so much. Bash it all you want at the end of the day it was beautiful, genuine, wholesome honest love.

Don't worry any one else but you. I pray you find yourself. Once you Connect your heart, spirit, and body then identity and esteem will be balanced and present in your life.

God give me strength, take this heart ache off my chest. Draw me nearer Lord. Order my steps to live the life you want me to lead. Provide me the tools and the knowledge to be a vessel and an example. I need help God, i desire to be patient and obedient with the help of your strength. Hear my call God...
in your name i pray, Amen.

March 17th, 2013

I'm gonna sit right here till you find me

So the other day I had a Facebook status that said: "I'm gonna sit right here till you find me."
This line summed up where my mind is at. I feel like I've reached a resting place in my life where I can be still and let God work. I'm in a place where I am ready and confident that I can be patient. I learned that last Sunday that people often mistake living for the Lord as an easy peaceful life with no problems. The reality is when you exalt God and live the life he wants you to lead, you become a moving TARGET for the devil. He wants you down and out and walking with God actually can bring more problems but that's where you get to stand up for your faith and really show the devil who is in charge. God is over my life and he blessed me with a very strong will. I put that in the name of the Lord and I am determined to block all the blows the devil tries to throw in my path. I am committed to my Lord and Savior, and even in my questioning and day by day experiences with people I meet I know that God knows and I'm going to be patient and listen to him. God has an amazing man crafted just for me and no matter how hard it is now it will get easier through prayer and persistence. I'm gonna sit right here till God is ready for love to find me, cause when I love...I love with all the power instilled in me.

When I know I know
I know my heart enough to say its infatuation
I know my heart enough to say its nothing
What separates me from you is that I know what I'm doing
God lent me the confidence because I seek his knowledge
I know when I made a mistake
And I know what not to repeat.

You left stains
On my skin
On my sheets
On my me
I let my guard down for you
In return I'm stained.

His blood washed me clean
Now I sit and wait and let love return to me
Return when its right
Return when its grown
Return when every circumstance is ready for the love I bring.

When I know I know
Cause I know me
There's something in between
But I won't question what I can't see

When its time for me to know, I'll know
When its time for me to react I'll be fast
But I know enough to know
That I'll never know
So I sit here and wait and let love return to me.

 

-Stephanie Brown