Hair Doesn't Lie

A few days ago I went and got my hair done by my hair stylist Zakiyah. I was in a bit of a rush because the next day (Sat) I had International Festival and I have a hair show to work and I wanted to look good with a fresh twist out.
After she washed my hair and began the twists she asked my if I am stressing? I responded kinda confused. I was like I was but I'm not stressing right now I'm good. And then as she continued she was like, "Stephanie you need to stop stressing seriously!" And I'm like what are you talking about!?! She then shared with me that my hair was thinning...

I didn't know what to say. My hair is so thick for it to begin thinning may be hard to tell but she sees me every 2-3 weeks so she really knows my head the best. That news was alarming to me... My hair is thinning. I know I been going through some stuff lately but I felt like I was good, I made progress and I was cool. But your hair does not lie to you. Let me repeat your HAIR DOES NOT LIE!

Your hair is an extension of you, your spirit emotionally and physically. Your hair is a reflection and growing extension of your being. You ever hear of women going through a bad divorce and their hair start breaking off, or people going through lots of stuff and getting bald spots. Sometimes people go through a rough patch in their lives and they start fresh with new clothes, new home, and often time new hair! Cutting your hair differently or rocking a new style is a great way to start fresh. Showcase a new you and with your new growth comes your new happiness. They hair you cut away and tossed in the trash is the same as cutting away that debt, or divorce, or death in the family.

I'm not concerned about loosing my hair or anything so don't freak out. But this defiantly made me re-evaluate how well I think I really am. I say I'm good but apparently my hair feels otherwise...
I've been in prayer about it and mentioned it to my spiritual mommy. She wants me to pray with her 3 times a week until I get stronger. I'm determined to be content. I'm determined to be happy. I'm so blessed and talented I don't want to waste my time feeling anything but positive. At the same time I can't fool myself and I have to get stronger in every aspect of my life. God made me such a solider man! Even my boss when I talked to him he was like "for everything that's been going on you seem good." He said he'd never guess. At first I felt accomplished, I felt like good job Stephanie you got that wall back up separating you from revealing how you are feeling. I put up walls in grade school, now I have Jesus to help guard my heart. I want to be strong without the need of a wall. I want to be strong whether I talk to you or not...

I've got a hard shell on the outside. My body is no longer transparent. I'm opaque.

As for my insides.. that's still wet concrete and I'm going to work on it getting dry.
All in all I'm going to be fine, Glory Be to God.

 

Congratulations Envy

I'm really happy for you
Honest I am
But HonestLY the word happy can't fall out my mouth.
Anxiety
Can't Breathe
Hit my chest to get my heart back on beat
Be still...
I'm trying Lord
But I just can't help to wonder when it will be me
Saying cheese for the pictures I take
Soaking up the Congratulations and blessings thrown in my face
To my phone
And my timeline won't leave me alone
But I wait...
Cause I can't schedule what I can't control.

I won't lie I'm jelly
I want that to be me
Happiness
Rose petals
Throw rice at me!
Me and Mr. Unknown
Cause according to God its too soon
To reveal my future forever
So I wait...
Pause
Take a break
Congratulations Envy!
You're testing my faith.

Swimming in Thoughts

Guided by random songs on Pandora
I've been pushed in a pool
Swimming in thoughts of not just me but you.
I'm a fixer I motivate I take control I deliver a resolution
But for once and of all times God has stopped me in my tracks.
I can't fix it
Its not my life to control
HE has the resolution and YOU have to seek Him for it.

Listening to songs that may reflect us....

 

Listening to songs that might sum up your thoughts...

 

Listening to songs that start to explain my thoughts...

Better yet this one by Jill Scott is dead on...

As Ceelo would say, I'm a fool for you.
The fool in me will never blame you outright
The good in me wants to fast forward two weeks.
Meanwhile the fool wants to just let things be
The bitch in me can't stop speculating what the fool in me refuses to believe.
The drive in me keeps my equilibrium in one peace...
That's how the grades stay up
And the career stays on track
Despite the roller coaster my drive will be in tack.
I'll love you like my heart desires.
I'll yearn you'll feel the same.
When God is ready for me to wake up he'll drag me out of these divisions
And truth will have no choice but to be my friend
Maybe then I'll return to me.

There's None Like Him

God works in miraculous ways.

It hurts to look back on every time I allow myself to be down and sad
For hours I do the worst to my spirit
I allow myself to forget that I'm breathing
That I'm standing
That I'm intelligent
I allow myself to forget I serve a healer
A protector
A provider
An awesome God.
I linger in darkness and tears because I feel a lack of control
I feel that everything is going wrong and nothing is right
I feel divided and alone and at a lost
How foolish am I?
How immature was my mind?
My future is predestined by an awesome God.
I walk in the light of His grace
I lack control because it is His life to control
Everything is going wrong because I kept myself from seeing his light
And in the midst of it all He Never Ever left my side...

How incredible is that?