I'm being a good student and getting caught up on lots of work and photography.
But just you wait bloggers I'm coming and coming soon with loads of information.
I've made new friends, strengthened friendships, taken second looks at others, taken better care of my body, fasting Facebook, praying, things are happening.
A lot of changes have been made. Progress in its own right, but its all not berries and sunshine.
I went to the salon, THE NAPPY HUTT, and Zakiyah gave me a lovely style. I was going to get a rod set but I didn't have the time to wait for that to dry. With all the hair on my head it would be at least 3 hrs under the dryer!! Ain't no body got time for that! So we stuck to 2 strand twist. I wanted something sexy, I do sassy hair well and I wanted it to be Mohawk inspired cause I do those well too.
That morning though was chilly due to the rain from the night before. I was wearing a sweater for a good part of the day and then moved into a black T when the sun came out. My brother in law said my outfit was very 70s lol. I took a picture before class with my friend Shannon and its "so college" it looks like a college ad photo from the 80s. I support that :)
But anyway back to my hair. So last time I had my hair done 3 weeks ago just about, I posted a blog called "Hair doesn't lie" and I shared with you readers about my hair thinning. Yes as thick as my hair is, it was thinning especially in the back and center of my scalp, unfortunately that was due to stress. That was pretty much the last straw for me and I attempted to make some changes in my daily routine. Started working out a little bit, getting more sleep, and focusing on things that did not cause stress! Well when Zakiyah started twisting my hair she gave me an update on my hair strands. Good news is that its not thinning anymore. Bad news is the thinning left a lot of breakage.
Damage was done and unfortunately its temporarily permanent damage. luckily its only in the center of my scalp so its not like I'll see it everyday and only hair professionals would know the difference. My hair is thick and fluffy so when twisted it swells to its fullness. Well the hair in the middle doesn't swell and I have all these crazy strands of hair sticking out of what should be a flat twist, that's the breakage. The only thing I can do is wait for it to grow out and eventually I'll be cut off when I get a trim. So lets pray my hair starts growing exponentially faster!
Church last Sunday was beautiful so beautiful I need to write its own post about it. But I just felt the need to mention it here. Cause this morning I had my prayer with my spiritual mother and I was telling her about it and boy do I wish some people in particular were there. My spiritual mother's prayer was awesome this morning. I love how I can update her on my week and we can talk about it and then pray to GOD in praise, gratitude, and call on him for action and guidance. We're praying for you, for ourselves, for our loved ones we see in trouble and when I say in trouble I mean without Christ. She told me that she loves to hear me speak, to hear the hope in my words that are nothing short of a blessing from God. I'm not perfect, I have my moments too. I have happy posts, sad posts, and even angry posts, but no matter the emotion my faith in God is never any less, I never doubt him, and I know to trust him in everything I do.
This week is a tough week for me emotionally but God also made it a busy one and he is filling it with events and people that will keep me busy so I have no time to sulk.
I am living.
I am living in the arms of a magnificent GOD.
Learning, succeeding, failing, and learning some more from those failures.
I don't let just anything happen.
Yes whatever happens happens, but I pray that those happenings are the will of God.
God blessed us with a choice.
The will of man and the will of God.
And I CHOOSE to have nothing in my life but the will of God.
The shivers all over my body tell me its not ok
The cold sensation in my limbs tells me today is not my day
and probably not tomorrow nor the next
but DAMN IT I insist on being friggin HAPPY again
Happy moments
Happy hours
Happy minutes
Happy Events
Otherwise...GTF out of my head
Such a fool
Gave it all I got
But then you wanna like it....
Its not your fault
But I question who was the true supporter
I question if it really matters
Then I see happiness in your eyes and my heart shatters
Cause I didn't put that smile on your face
And I bet those were some romantic days....
But whatever I need this pain
It'l only make me stronger for the next stage
I wanna hate you but my heart can't do that.
I really am the point .01%
Only you really knew that
Guess it didn't matter cause you blew that.
So its been a week since SCAD's First Relay For Life. It was incredible. It is officially by greatest achievement at SCAD. To finally present that event to our campus and raise over $10,000 for The American Cancer Society is breathtaking news to me!
Since then I've been job hunting. Now that relay is done I gotta fill in time with making money and furthering my photography. I've been working with D&D Media Group which is a busy photo studio in Savannah. I have only worked 2 gigs so far and I'm enjoying it. I have yet to work a late night shift helping out with their nightlife club photos/events. I'm a little hesitant even though I need the money. I just got some info about a baby sitting job so I hope that falls through. I just want to be making a steady weekly or bi-weekly income. Got classes for the summer I gotta pay for and a savings account I need to stock up on if I plan on going to France next year.
Last week was DELTA Week at Armstrong Atlantic State University(AASU) and it was actually the delta week for Savannah State too but I didn't know. I photographed for AASU and got to see my friend from church Jazmin who crossed last week stroll and have a good time with her new sisters! Its always beautiful to watch this kidna stuff.
Brett Baines was with me! He LOVES greek life and is an awesome stepper from his high school.
Next week is Alpha phi Alpha week at SSU so I plan on trying to catch some photos at their events. I say TRY because it's also The Savannah Spoken Word Festival and I plan on going to 3 of their events during the week. ALSO its SCAD's annual Silver and Ink activities as well! sheesh! Hopefully nothing collides!
This week is going to be full of events and things to do and study for and edit. I want to stay busy this week so that I don't catch myself sitting and reminiscing over things in the past and feelings that I'm trying to scrape off my chest.
Also I was nominated for an award from The Savannah Industry Night! And according to the polls I won!! So this Thursday I'll be accepting my award or hearing the announcement of the winners at Industry Night!
This weekend I would be in Atlanta but I didn't get the gig shooting for the World Natural Hair Health and Beauty Show. Its all good though God apparently needed me to stay in Savannah this weekend!
THIS WILL BE A GOOD WEEK!
THIS WILL BE A GOOD WEEK!
THIS WILL BE A GOOD WEEK!
Cause GOD IS ABLE!
The other night I witness something I've only heard about!
I was out with my friend Moncello and his buddies and one thing after another I found myself witnessing his buddy Phil get branded.
I was in the company of Sigma's and Zeta's and they reminisced on the old days of them having a good time. One Zeta reflected on how in this very room she got branded up against the refrigerator. Phil who is in all the pictures described his first branding on his arm. Unlike most people his branding didn't swell and raise so it healed looking more like a tattoo.
Moncello showed us the tools he used to brand people who wanted one and Phil was ready for another one, his second branding and his last (according to him). I'm not gonna lie I was excited to witness this.
The Zeta started slapping the area on Phil's chest where he wanted the branding. When her hand hurt he continued tenderizing the muscle himself. Meanwhile cello turned on the stove and placed the "sigma" shaped piece of metal face down on the burner. Once it was hot enough Phil firmly braced his back against the refrigerator and got real serious and tense. Moncello reminded him that he can't do it if he doesn't relax. Few deep breaths and Moncello came at him with the hot piece of metal. Instantly Phil's eyes popped open he breathed heavy and the brand was complete. The room smelt like bacon burning, Moncello went over it with a rag and rubbed away burnt skin I believe. Then Phil went straight for his shot of patron. And its crazy how the skin reacts, it was a little toasty looking then it got whiter and whiter and then you could clear see the layers of skin exposed.
Examining his skin I had something like an epiphany! I could see the edges red and the blood at a stand still and I asked why does it not bleed? Moncello answered with a sly look on his face, "cause it's deeper than the blood" Blood is only present on that initial under layer of skin, but under that it's just our other layers of skin. The symbolism was killing me! I loved it. I'm not a fan of people being branded, and I'm not a fan of how it looks on some people but man do you have to respect it. This is why I appreciate and have respect for fraternities and sororities especially those that are in the NPHC. It's not cause they are predominantly African American but the history and symbolism runs deep, deeper than blood and these organizations hold traditions and respect for where they came from. DEDICATED lifetime members of these organizations have a love for their org like no other. So whether I second the branding or not, I surely do respect it and I will never forget that night I got to witness it.
1st brand on the left, 2nd brand on the right (newest one)
So today was the start of my prayer meetings with my spiritual mommy over the phone.
Tues/Thurs/Fri we pray at 10am... or really she prays and I open my heart to receive.
I just really wanted to mention that it happened.
Listening to her Pray for me and over my life and concerns really helps me learn how to better my own prayer.
She took the first 4 mins just glorifying God. Thanking him for the warm blood running through our veins, for waking us up, for blessing our lives, and things like that. It's important to go to God in total admiration for his power and what he's done and will do in our lives.
Then she went into praying for my hurt, my burdens. Asking God to guide me on a straight and narrow path. Asking God to help me determine the emotions I feel from his voice to something else. She prayed for my strength and faith in that if its God's will then it will be done. She mentioned how God will deliver me all the desires of my heart if those desires are in his will. She prayed for him... She prayed God would deliver him and guide him and take a hold of his life and of mine. She prayed that God would instill in his heart to do what is right and for our happiness however God may will it.
Then she glorified God's name some more. thanking him for using her as a vessel to counsel me in this time. Thanked God for my willingness and desire to draw closer to him even in my trials.
Amen...
One day at a time she told me and I responded, yes m'mam... no skipping steps.
Then she said when you skip steps it makes you have to go back.
I recognize that and I declare to God I will let him do his work, i won't skip steps and i will take my days one at a time trusting in him.
I can't tell the stars from the downtown lights If I said I was truly over you My heart would say amen But I'd give in to the cold caress of 2 am. If I admit I can't get used to this Will my heart break again? As I fall into the waiting arms of 2 AM
2AM - Alexz Johnson
_________________________________________________________________
I don't believe I'll be alright I don't believe I'll be OK I don't believe how you've thrown me away I do believe you didn't try I do blame you for every lie When I look in your eyes, I don't see mine
Oh, he's under my skin Just give me something to get rid of him I've got a reason now to bury this alive Another little white lie
Skin - Alexz Johnson
_______________________________________________________________________
I see you with her and it crushes me inside Guess I should stop thinking about you all the time Maybe this is what I needed, maybe this is a sign Maybe, I’ve been blind to reality Baby, tell me
Chorus~ Every little glance my way Every time you wanted to hang You seemed so interested So could you tell me Was it real or was it all in my head Was it real or was it all in my head
Tori Kelly - All in My Head
__________________________________________________________________________
It's so hard to tell what's in your heart What you keep to yourself is tearing me apart And should I be afraid to dream about you? And if you feel the same, whatchu going to do?
How far can we go before we break? How long can I wait?
How strong do you think I am? How much can I take of this? Am I a rock, or a rose, or a fist? Or the breath at the end of a kiss?
How deep do you want to go 'Cause I'll go there if I can You make it harder than it has to be How strong? How strong do you think I am?
If I move in any closer If you let go and give yourself away And if we let this happen to us Everything will change
How strong do you think I am? - Alexz Johnson
__________________________________________________________________________
You'll always be a part of me I'm part of your indefinitely Boy don't you know you can't escape me Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby And we'll linger on Time can't erase a feeling this strong No way you're ever gonna shake me Oh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
I ain't gonna cry no And i won't beg you to stay If you're determined to leave boy I will not stand in your way But inevitably, you'll be back again 'Cause you know in your heart babe Our love will never end no, no
You'll Always Be my baby - Mariah Carey
_____________________________________________________________________________
Let me rise Let me fall Let me breathe I wanna lose control, I’m not afraid to lose it all Let me break Let me crawl Cause I will get back up again, If you let me fall
If I burn down In this fire I’ve got myself to blame I can’t stop Or give up I need to feel the pain
Can you hear me don’t come near me You just get in my way I’m only human And there’s nothing you can say
Let Me Fall - Alexz Johnson
____________________________________________________________________________
May your neighbors respect you Trouble neglect you, angels protect you And heaven accept you..
Shot for Me - Drake
_________________________________________________________________________
The love you don't feel When you're holding me Morning will come and I'll do what's right Just give me til then to give up this fight And I will give up this fight
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't I can't make your heart feel something it won't Here in the dark in these final hours I will lay down my heart I feel the power but you don't No you don't I can't make you love me if you don't If you don't, No, you won't
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bon Iver
_____________________________________________________________________
I worked an event for a photographer here in Savannah and at the event they had beta fish in the centerpieces. After the event I saw 2 girls with one and I went to see if I could get a free fish too.
At first it was like woo lets get a fish cause its free! Then when the lady handed me a little jar I looked at him and we just made a connection. The moment I looked at him he felt so deep.
I sat down and looked at my little guy swish around in the water. He's a deep red male betta fish. I promise you he's a romantic with his deep color that draws me in. His fins are beautiful. His tailfin swishes vigorously and that's why I decided to call him Swishh but SWISHH with 2 h's cause I feel like he's so smooth his name rolls with an extra shhhh sound lol.
Silly I know but really this fish is my BFF (best fish forever). The more I looked at Swishh I felt responsible for him! I needed to go to the store get him food and prepare a new home for him. That night I stayed up and researched what he would need and even called my sister with questions since she has fish. I wasn't trying to have a pet or add another responsibility but in front of Swishh I feel like he keeps me company. I wish he could stay in my room but I don't have room for him so he stays in a vase in the Kitchen on the island.
Everything I bought was under $15 all together. I pray that he sticks around. So far he's not eating his little pellets. I looked it up and it says it'll take him a little while to get used to his new environment and new food. I hope he eats tomorrow. I don't want him to die. I don't want to loose him, you become a mother and you just instantly fall in love with your child its crazy.
I pray he sticks around for me... Swishh is a silent friend, ray of sunshine and support.
A few days ago I went and got my hair done by my hair stylist Zakiyah. I was in a bit of a rush because the next day (Sat) I had International Festival and I have a hair show to work and I wanted to look good with a fresh twist out.
After she washed my hair and began the twists she asked my if I am stressing? I responded kinda confused. I was like I was but I'm not stressing right now I'm good. And then as she continued she was like, "Stephanie you need to stop stressing seriously!" And I'm like what are you talking about!?! She then shared with me that my hair was thinning...
I didn't know what to say. My hair is so thick for it to begin thinning may be hard to tell but she sees me every 2-3 weeks so she really knows my head the best. That news was alarming to me... My hair is thinning. I know I been going through some stuff lately but I felt like I was good, I made progress and I was cool. But your hair does not lie to you. Let me repeat your HAIR DOES NOT LIE!
Your hair is an extension of you, your spirit emotionally and physically. Your hair is a reflection and growing extension of your being. You ever hear of women going through a bad divorce and their hair start breaking off, or people going through lots of stuff and getting bald spots. Sometimes people go through a rough patch in their lives and they start fresh with new clothes, new home, and often time new hair! Cutting your hair differently or rocking a new style is a great way to start fresh. Showcase a new you and with your new growth comes your new happiness. They hair you cut away and tossed in the trash is the same as cutting away that debt, or divorce, or death in the family.
I'm not concerned about loosing my hair or anything so don't freak out. But this defiantly made me re-evaluate how well I think I really am. I say I'm good but apparently my hair feels otherwise...
I've been in prayer about it and mentioned it to my spiritual mommy. She wants me to pray with her 3 times a week until I get stronger. I'm determined to be content. I'm determined to be happy. I'm so blessed and talented I don't want to waste my time feeling anything but positive. At the same time I can't fool myself and I have to get stronger in every aspect of my life. God made me such a solider man! Even my boss when I talked to him he was like "for everything that's been going on you seem good." He said he'd never guess. At first I felt accomplished, I felt like good job Stephanie you got that wall back up separating you from revealing how you are feeling. I put up walls in grade school, now I have Jesus to help guard my heart. I want to be strong without the need of a wall. I want to be strong whether I talk to you or not...
I've got a hard shell on the outside. My body is no longer transparent. I'm opaque.
As for my insides.. that's still wet concrete and I'm going to work on it getting dry.
All in all I'm going to be fine, Glory Be to God.
On this day in history, Exactly 3 years ago from today's date I wrote this poem. In response to a young man who asked me to Write him something deep... Little did he know that this poem would be followed by many others in the years to follow.
I found this poem online from this site: http://www.kreyol.com/poetry.htm
It made me so sad, dropped a few tears and had to share it here.
_______________________________________________________________ a smile like yours
i never seen someone smile like you... i fear i
never will...
i never seen a smile like yours... i remember the many
roses i sent just to see it again, and again...
i never seen someone
smile like you...
i remember how hard we laughed, enjoying each others
company... to be the cause of someone's happiness meant so much to me... your
smile, how warm that felt, a cool summer's day, a smile even in rain, shines
through overcast days... seemed would always last...
i never seen
someone smile like you...
i fear i never will... can't believe you're
gone. can't believe i cause you pain. when i close my eyes, i still see
you smiling, laughing, dancing, even in rain... now its gone. i never seen
someone smile like you...
i lost my way and did you wrong... i never
seen a smile like yours...
what have i done? i broke your heart... i
seen how your smile turned to lost, already torn, now you're gone.
i
never seen someone smile like you...
i'm cold from the vision of your
tears... it tears into me deeply... flowed from your eyes like an open wound
through your heart, blood red as roses once sent... dear God, something
beautiful is dying!
been told flowers don't last forever, but i was wrong
to think your smile was eternal... i'm losing something sacred, left naked
and cold.
i never seen someone smile like you...
i once convinced
myself, that i would surely die for you... why, now you lay crying? dear God,
something beautiful is dying!
i broke her heart... and can't stop the
wound from bleeding...
i never seen a smile like yours...
soft
shades of red on your lips... inviting to touch, like roses in bloom...
i never seen someone smile like you...
now the only red i see is
your blood in my hands. dear God, something beautiful is dying!
i
hear her heart breaking, cracking under the stress, like walking on dry dying
maple leaves in fall...
i never seen someone smile like you...
i
miss your laughter... i see the tears fall from your eyes. till lost in
rain... i've cause that pain... i'm torn! dear God, something beautiful is
dying! i did not think i had the power to break the wings of an angel...
dearest God, please hear my plea!
i never seen a smile like
yours...
i'm sorry its gone... i did not think i made a
difference... i did not know how much your happiness meant to me, till i saw
your sadness... dear God, something beautiful is dying!
please let her
smile again take mines instead! i never seen someone smile like you... i
fear i never will...
i wish i could take it back...
if you could
only love me like you use to do. i wish i could see you laughing like you use
to. but that was yesterday... my loneliness, my only company, with no
remedy... i will never take the chance to cause someone to smile as you... i'm
torn...
i remember your tears and i fear seeing something so beautiful
dying before me again...
roses don't last forever, sorry to say... it
was foolish to think your smiles would never come to an end like forever... i
lied to my heart. i knew from the way you cried...
i never seen someone
smile like you... dearest God, something beautiful just died... and my
heart has lost its happiness, ~ her smile.
Even in a text message I hear the sad tone and the fear of my answer like they are ready to handle a lot in my response or something.
I'm not gonna lie its great to be asked, its great to know who is concerning themselves with my well being. But that question takes me back. I answer it differently every time almost. I feel like by saying GREAT I'm lying. My day can be great and awesome but Stephanie...
She's well, healthy, breathing, and blessed.
I'm not broken, I'm not falling apart.
I have to collect myself from time to time but otherwise all the pieces are in the same jar
Only a few of them are stuck in other places but I'm working on retrieving all of me.
I don't waste my smiles on nobody. I don't mean mug either. I'm pleasant and happy and my smile comes around when you give me something to smile about. Taking pictures of myself are starting to feel akward to me now, it's so strange but it is how it is.
Right now I am procrastinating. In 6 hours I have a quiz and a resume and research due.
School is exciting because everything I do is a career builder and I'm so deep into my major now its a little scary sometimes. I have to remind myself like YOOO You're a Junior!! Come June I will have exactly a year left at SCAD :( I don't want to leave Savannah though...
When and where I'll go I don't know but I have a heavy feeling of confidence that things are gonna change big time. I'm going to be out of that school routine and into the work world. Have my 9 to 5 and all my bills to pay. Sounds serious but God has a plan and He'll gladly show me the way.
I look in all directions for the next best thing. I'm gonna close this laptop and get busy. My success is dependent on me. I have been embracing radical praise and each day I feel older and each week I feel closer to God and knowing who He created me to be. The word CHANGE is very significant to me and I embrace it every time I get the opportunity...
I've been thinking about cutting off my hair...but I'll save that for another post, on another day cause I don't want anyone to think its April Fools Joke. lol I'm so serious though.
Connected to you
But we just met
Conversation but I don't know what that means yet
I'm honest
Real
Every word genuine and true
Can I say the same for you?
Connection
with no contact
I know you see it
But you don't feel it yet
You want the physical
Hot breath on your neck
Bare hands on skin
Chest to chest dance
Embracing of hands
Butterfly kisses on the collar bone
And the rest...
I'm gonna leave it alone
You're still the key to all my pass codes
I'm an open book
But no one wants to read this one
Your reading cause you miss me
I'm writing cause it satisfies me.
Fills my cup in solitude
Make a toast
Praise God
I don''t wanna get over you.
This week is a tough week for me emotionally but God also made it a busy one and he is filling it with events and people that will keep me busy so I have no time to sulk. 
Also I was nominated for an award from The Savannah Industry Night! And according to the polls I won!! So this Thursday I'll be accepting my award or hearing the announcement of the winners at Industry Night!
The other night I witness something I've only heard about!
Examining his skin I had something like an epiphany! I could see the edges red and the blood at a stand still and I asked why does it not bleed? Moncello answered with a sly look on his face, "cause it's deeper than the blood" Blood is only present on that initial under layer of skin, but under that it's just our other layers of skin. The symbolism was killing me! I loved it. I'm not a fan of people being branded, and I'm not a fan of how it looks on some people but man do you have to respect it. This is why I appreciate and have respect for fraternities and sororities especially those that are in the NPHC. It's not cause they are predominantly African American but the history and symbolism runs deep, deeper than blood and these organizations hold traditions and respect for where they came from. DEDICATED lifetime members of these organizations have a love for their org like no other. So whether I second the branding or not, I surely do respect it and I will never forget that night I got to witness it. 
Swishh the Male Beta Fish is my newborn baby.
I worked an event for a photographer here in Savannah and at the event they had beta fish in the centerpieces. After the event I saw 2 girls with one and I went to see if I could get a free fish too. 
Silly I know but really this fish is my BFF (best fish forever). The more I looked at Swishh I felt responsible for him! I needed to go to the store get him food and prepare a new home for him. That night I stayed up and researched what he would need and even called my sister with questions since she has fish. I wasn't trying to have a pet or add another responsibility but in front of Swishh I feel like he keeps me company. I wish he could stay in my room but I don't have room for him so he stays in a vase in the Kitchen on the island. 
Your hair is an extension of you, your spirit emotionally and physically. Your hair is a reflection and growing extension of your being. You ever hear of women going through a bad divorce and their hair start breaking off, or people going through lots of stuff and getting bald spots. Sometimes people go through a rough patch in their lives and they start fresh with new clothes, new home, and often time new hair! Cutting your hair differently or rocking a new style is a great way to start fresh. Showcase a new you and with your new growth comes your new happiness. They hair you cut away and tossed in the trash is the same as cutting away that debt, or divorce, or death in the family.
I'm not gonna lie its great to be asked, its great to know who is concerning themselves with my well being. But that question takes me back. I answer it differently every time almost. I feel like by saying GREAT I'm lying. My day can be great and awesome but Stephanie... 
