Swishh the Fish

Swishh the Male Beta Fish is my newborn baby.










I worked an event for a photographer here in Savannah and at the event they had beta fish in the centerpieces. After the event I saw 2 girls with one and I went to see if I could get a free fish too.
At first it was like woo lets get a fish cause its free! Then when the lady handed me a little jar I looked at him and we just made a connection. The moment I looked at him he felt so deep.

I sat down and looked at my little guy swish around in the water. He's a deep red male betta fish. I promise you he's a romantic with his deep color that draws me in. His fins are beautiful. His tailfin swishes vigorously and that's why I decided to call him Swishh but SWISHH with 2 h's cause I feel like he's so smooth his name rolls with an extra shhhh sound lol.

Silly I know but really this fish is my BFF (best fish forever). The more I looked at Swishh I felt responsible for him! I needed to go to the store get him food and prepare a new home for him. That night I stayed up and researched what he would need and even called my sister with questions since she has fish. I wasn't trying to have a pet or add another responsibility but in front of Swishh I feel like he keeps me company. I wish he could stay in my room but I don't have room for him so he stays in a vase in the Kitchen on the island.

Everything I bought was under $15 all together. I pray that he sticks around. So far he's not eating his little pellets. I looked it up and it says it'll take him a little while to get used to his new environment and new food. I hope he eats tomorrow. I don't want him to die. I don't want to loose him, you become a mother and you just instantly fall in love with your child its crazy.

I pray he sticks around for me... Swishh is a silent friend, ray of sunshine and support.

When I look at Swishh I can't help but smile!

Hair Doesn't Lie

A few days ago I went and got my hair done by my hair stylist Zakiyah. I was in a bit of a rush because the next day (Sat) I had International Festival and I have a hair show to work and I wanted to look good with a fresh twist out.
After she washed my hair and began the twists she asked my if I am stressing? I responded kinda confused. I was like I was but I'm not stressing right now I'm good. And then as she continued she was like, "Stephanie you need to stop stressing seriously!" And I'm like what are you talking about!?! She then shared with me that my hair was thinning...

I didn't know what to say. My hair is so thick for it to begin thinning may be hard to tell but she sees me every 2-3 weeks so she really knows my head the best. That news was alarming to me... My hair is thinning. I know I been going through some stuff lately but I felt like I was good, I made progress and I was cool. But your hair does not lie to you. Let me repeat your HAIR DOES NOT LIE!

Your hair is an extension of you, your spirit emotionally and physically. Your hair is a reflection and growing extension of your being. You ever hear of women going through a bad divorce and their hair start breaking off, or people going through lots of stuff and getting bald spots. Sometimes people go through a rough patch in their lives and they start fresh with new clothes, new home, and often time new hair! Cutting your hair differently or rocking a new style is a great way to start fresh. Showcase a new you and with your new growth comes your new happiness. They hair you cut away and tossed in the trash is the same as cutting away that debt, or divorce, or death in the family.

I'm not concerned about loosing my hair or anything so don't freak out. But this defiantly made me re-evaluate how well I think I really am. I say I'm good but apparently my hair feels otherwise...
I've been in prayer about it and mentioned it to my spiritual mommy. She wants me to pray with her 3 times a week until I get stronger. I'm determined to be content. I'm determined to be happy. I'm so blessed and talented I don't want to waste my time feeling anything but positive. At the same time I can't fool myself and I have to get stronger in every aspect of my life. God made me such a solider man! Even my boss when I talked to him he was like "for everything that's been going on you seem good." He said he'd never guess. At first I felt accomplished, I felt like good job Stephanie you got that wall back up separating you from revealing how you are feeling. I put up walls in grade school, now I have Jesus to help guard my heart. I want to be strong without the need of a wall. I want to be strong whether I talk to you or not...

I've got a hard shell on the outside. My body is no longer transparent. I'm opaque.

As for my insides.. that's still wet concrete and I'm going to work on it getting dry.
All in all I'm going to be fine, Glory Be to God.

 

On this day in history...

On this day in history, Exactly 3 years  ago from today's date I wrote this poem. In response to a young man who asked me to Write him something deep... Little did he know that this poem would be followed by many others in the years to follow.

 

 

Love,

 

The Memoirs of Anie

a smile like yours

I found this poem online from this site: http://www.kreyol.com/poetry.htm
It made me so sad, dropped a few tears and had to share it here.
_______________________________________________________________  a smile like yours

i never seen someone smile like you...
i fear i never will...

i never seen a smile like yours...
i remember the many roses i sent just to see it again, and again...

i never seen someone smile like you...

i remember how hard we laughed, enjoying each others company... to be the cause of someone's happiness meant so much to me...
your smile, how warm that felt, a cool summer's day, a smile even in rain, shines through overcast days... seemed would always last...

i never seen someone smile like you...

i fear i never will...
can't believe you're gone.
can't believe i cause you pain.
when i close my eyes, i still see you smiling, laughing, dancing, even in rain... now its gone.
i never seen someone smile like you...

i lost my way and did you wrong...
i never seen a smile like yours...

what have i done?
i broke your heart... i seen how your smile turned to lost, already torn, now you're gone.

i never seen someone smile like you...

i'm cold from the vision of your tears... it tears into me deeply... flowed from your eyes like an open wound through your heart, blood red as roses once sent...
dear God, something beautiful is dying!

been told flowers don't last forever, but i was wrong to think your smile was eternal...
i'm losing something sacred, left naked and cold.

i never seen someone smile like you...

i once convinced myself, that i would surely die for you... why, now you lay crying?
dear God, something beautiful is dying!

i broke her heart... and can't stop the wound from bleeding...

i never seen a smile like yours...

soft shades of red on your lips...
inviting to touch, like roses in bloom...

i never seen someone smile like you...

now the only red i see is your blood in my hands.
dear God, something beautiful is dying!

i hear her heart breaking, cracking under the stress, like walking on dry dying maple leaves in fall...

i never seen someone smile like you...

i miss your laughter...
i see the tears fall from your eyes. till lost in rain... i've cause that pain... i'm torn!
dear God, something beautiful is dying!
i did not think i had the power to break the wings of an angel... dearest God, please hear my plea!

i never seen a smile like yours...

i'm sorry its gone...
i did not think i made a difference...
i did not know how much your happiness meant to me, till i saw your sadness...
dear God, something beautiful is dying!

please let her smile again take mines instead!
i never seen someone smile like you...
i fear i never will...

i wish i could take it back...

if you could only love me like you use to do.
i wish i could see you laughing like you use to. but that was yesterday...
my loneliness, my only company, with no remedy... i will never take the chance to cause someone to smile as you... i'm torn...

i remember your tears and i fear seeing something so beautiful dying before me again...

roses don't last forever, sorry to say...
it was foolish to think your smiles would never come to an end like forever... i lied to my heart. i knew from the way you cried...

i never seen someone smile like you...
dearest God, something beautiful just died...
and my heart has lost its happiness, ~ her smile.

-Naz






By Hertz Nazaire [ naz ]

Insomnia

My Nightmares...

You call them bed time stories

I fight with the Boogeyman just to smile

I listen to your tales for hours

Intermission comes and I'm in prayer

 

Walk into your room

Tuck in the chair

Pick up your toys

Turn off the TV

Kill all the noise

Fluff your pillow

Straighten your sheets

I'm making your bed

But I do not sleep.

 

Glad that I can give you some peace.

Sweet Dreams to you

Insomnia for me.

How are you doing?

 

I hate the way people ask that question.

"How are you doing?"

"You doing alright?"

"You okay?"

Even in a text message I hear the sad tone and the fear of my answer like they are ready to handle a lot in my response or something.

 

I'm not gonna lie its great to be asked, its great to know who is concerning themselves with my well being. But that question takes me back. I answer it differently every time almost. I feel like by saying GREAT I'm lying. My day can be great and awesome but Stephanie...

She's well, healthy, breathing, and blessed.

I'm not broken, I'm not falling apart.

I have to collect myself from time to time but otherwise all the pieces are in the same jar

Only a few of them are stuck in other places but I'm working on retrieving all of me.
I don't waste my smiles on nobody. I don't mean mug either. I'm pleasant and happy and my smile comes around when you give me something to smile about. Taking pictures of myself are starting to feel akward to me now, it's so strange but it is how it is.
 

Right now I am procrastinating. In 6 hours I have a quiz and a resume and research due.

School is exciting because everything I do is a career builder and I'm so deep into my major now its a little scary sometimes. I have to remind myself like YOOO You're a Junior!! Come June I will have exactly a year left at SCAD :( I don't want to leave Savannah though...

When and where I'll go I don't know but I have a heavy feeling of confidence that things are gonna change big time. I'm going to be out of that school routine and into the work world. Have my 9 to 5 and all my bills to pay. Sounds serious but God has a plan and He'll gladly show me the way.



 

I look in all directions for the next best thing. I'm gonna close this laptop and get busy. My success is dependent on me. I have been embracing radical praise and each day I feel older and each week I feel closer to God and knowing who He created me to be. The word CHANGE is very significant to me and I embrace it every time I get the opportunity...

 

I've been thinking about cutting off my hair...but I'll save that for another post, on another day cause I don't want anyone to think its April Fools Joke. lol I'm so serious though.

 

 

Love,

 

LIBERATION

 

Connection

Connected to you
But we just met
Conversation but I don't know what that means yet
I'm honest
Real
Every word genuine and true
Can I say the same for you?

Connection
with no contact
I know you see it
But you don't feel it yet
You want the physical
Hot breath on your neck
Bare hands on skin
Chest to chest dance
Embracing of hands
Butterfly kisses on the collar bone
And the rest...
I'm gonna leave it alone

You're still the key to all my pass codes
I'm an open book
But no one wants to read this one
Your reading cause you miss me
I'm writing cause it satisfies me.
Fills my cup in solitude
Make a toast
Praise God
I don''t wanna get over you.