Books aren't heavy, but they excite my mind.
I reach for them and plan to learn all I can.
Boys comfort and care.
Boys don't like when books rule.
Understanding can only go so far...
Compensation and Sacrifice:
Tomorrow is my first day of class. I am stoked!!
I'm still adapting to roomates though after living alone for so long.
I just need to get a feel for how well I can trust these girls with my stuff and my life.
Conversation with the boy is touchy and quick.
Lack of detail, lack of converstation length.
I feel bad cause those are all areas I have been working on.
But now I don't really let it bother me.
There are too many new things going on for me to relate every second of it.
New faces, new school mates, new grass, new skies.
I just want to study and learn and grow and mature in ART.
And nothing more.
But my life without him leaves me cold on one side and lonely on another.
Life without him leaves me like I am now:
Night before my 1st day and no one to share my excitement and tell me I'll do great.
No one to say Baby I'm so proud of you, I miss you, I know you'll do great.
Am I asking for too much?
God has something in store for me. Because my passion to learn is far too great and whenever I am down and ready to fall inside, my phone rings.
its my sillyp.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
In Shape
Every year I had my season of physical sexiness...
I had been running since I was in the 5th grade. But at the time Banyan Creek didn't have an established track team nor any other school to compete against. Therefore our practices were running back and forth, push up contests and sit up contests after school.
Middle School I got serious. In 6th grade legends were the 8th grade star athletes like TK and Avery, but my eyes were on my sister Shaina. I always ran for fun, i simply had a need for speed, but I also ran to keep up with my sister. She was in high school and sooooo fast! Of course I wanted to make her proud. I'll never forget writing her number on my face and looking up to the sky asking God to help me win this race for her.
No one knew about me running until our first home meet at Carver. Looking at my frail self people assumed /I ran the mile or hurdles. But I was never good at long distance. I ran the hundred meter dash and people surely laughed at me until they saw me Zoom! All my life I've been "Shaina's little sister" but track gave me a name for myself. the fast ass skinny black girl with glasses, then in high school the fast ass IB black girl...with glasses lol.
My Senior year though....had many successes but one major fail. I didn't run track. And as disappointed as people were no one can fully understand the fight I had with myself about whether to run or not. My IB exams were around the time of Districts and Regionals, and I don't have it in me to start something and not finish it, especially with Track. School, new job, scholarships, ceremonies, everything kept me from track. But I had to remember that I did it for fun, I wasn't looking to be scouted or nothing. But senior year would have been a year to shine especially since my main competition in Palm Beach County graduated. I attempted to come back once, and boy was that a failure. I had happy faces and cold eyes looking at me like, "Oh look who came crawling back!" and "I hope she don't think she getting on this 4x1" and "She betta not be running at the meet tomrrow!" The words hurt but not as much as walking away from that track.
I tried to replace track with a gym membership but that was just a waste of money.
All year long, and even to this day I have flashes of running. I miss the feeling of my track shoes, the jump at the sound of the gun. I even miss the feeling of Death after my 200 but success when I qualify for the next round or beat my old time. Now the school I'm going to doesn't even have a track team, only cross country, and LORD know's how I feel about long distance! -____-
I like being in shape. I don't watch calories and carbs nor my weight. But I do watch my cholesterol and how my body looks. I've considered going back to my old Kung Fu Sensei but it's at my church and idk about memorizing all those bible verses just to move up in belt level...and I really love hip hop aerobics, and I'd love to get into pole fitness to strengthen my puny arms. But all these options cost money in some way. I'll pick one soon though verry soon! Because I wanna go to college being myself. I've always been thin but I know where my body could be right now especially if I had ran last season.
Some how or another track will always remain in my life, I had too much fun and too many supporters and haters not to keep it in my life. Plus I can't get these images out of my head!!
Can't stay still.
Blood Pumping
Heart racing and hands sweating.
RUNNERS TAKE YOUR MARK!
jumping into my lane, stomach twisting and twirling
toes, hands, fingers tingling.
Last minute stretch
Jump 3 times
Kick my legs back as I get into the blocks
GET SET!!
Once glance toward the finish line
Another glance toward the sky
Eyes back on the lane...
GO!
zooooooom! I'm outta there.
#i miss the feel of my track shoes
Track Season!
My endurance sucks so I always started conditioning in December so that my body would be used to exercise and a real work out by February. As the season got closer my body got stronger and ready for hard work and BAM! Legs tone, abs tight, little arm muscles trying lol.I had been running since I was in the 5th grade. But at the time Banyan Creek didn't have an established track team nor any other school to compete against. Therefore our practices were running back and forth, push up contests and sit up contests after school.
Middle School I got serious. In 6th grade legends were the 8th grade star athletes like TK and Avery, but my eyes were on my sister Shaina. I always ran for fun, i simply had a need for speed, but I also ran to keep up with my sister. She was in high school and sooooo fast! Of course I wanted to make her proud. I'll never forget writing her number on my face and looking up to the sky asking God to help me win this race for her.
No one knew about me running until our first home meet at Carver. Looking at my frail self people assumed /I ran the mile or hurdles. But I was never good at long distance. I ran the hundred meter dash and people surely laughed at me until they saw me Zoom! All my life I've been "Shaina's little sister" but track gave me a name for myself. the fast ass skinny black girl with glasses, then in high school the fast ass IB black girl...with glasses lol.
My Senior year though....had many successes but one major fail. I didn't run track. And as disappointed as people were no one can fully understand the fight I had with myself about whether to run or not. My IB exams were around the time of Districts and Regionals, and I don't have it in me to start something and not finish it, especially with Track. School, new job, scholarships, ceremonies, everything kept me from track. But I had to remember that I did it for fun, I wasn't looking to be scouted or nothing. But senior year would have been a year to shine especially since my main competition in Palm Beach County graduated. I attempted to come back once, and boy was that a failure. I had happy faces and cold eyes looking at me like, "Oh look who came crawling back!" and "I hope she don't think she getting on this 4x1" and "She betta not be running at the meet tomrrow!" The words hurt but not as much as walking away from that track.
I tried to replace track with a gym membership but that was just a waste of money.
All year long, and even to this day I have flashes of running. I miss the feeling of my track shoes, the jump at the sound of the gun. I even miss the feeling of Death after my 200 but success when I qualify for the next round or beat my old time. Now the school I'm going to doesn't even have a track team, only cross country, and LORD know's how I feel about long distance! -____-
I like being in shape. I don't watch calories and carbs nor my weight. But I do watch my cholesterol and how my body looks. I've considered going back to my old Kung Fu Sensei but it's at my church and idk about memorizing all those bible verses just to move up in belt level...and I really love hip hop aerobics, and I'd love to get into pole fitness to strengthen my puny arms. But all these options cost money in some way. I'll pick one soon though verry soon! Because I wanna go to college being myself. I've always been thin but I know where my body could be right now especially if I had ran last season.
Some how or another track will always remain in my life, I had too much fun and too many supporters and haters not to keep it in my life. Plus I can't get these images out of my head!!
Can't stay still.
Blood Pumping
Heart racing and hands sweating.
RUNNERS TAKE YOUR MARK!
jumping into my lane, stomach twisting and twirling
toes, hands, fingers tingling.
Last minute stretch
Jump 3 times
Kick my legs back as I get into the blocks
GET SET!!
Once glance toward the finish line
Another glance toward the sky
Eyes back on the lane...
GO!
zooooooom! I'm outta there.
#i miss the feel of my track shoes
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Running Away from home...
People get homesick casue they miss home. The scent, the free food, the laughs, the memories... but I've never been homesick. And as much as people say I will I don't think so not even up in GA where I'm going to school. Yea I have memories here but only when my sibilings come back to visit for the holidays.
I'm antsy point blank. Ready to go and packing to go somewhere in June but don't have to be there till September. I wish SCAD had summer school.
To me home won't be the place I aspire for it to be until I leave it and return to it as a guest. Staying here there is curfews and arguements and loneliness. When my sibilings come back to visit they are greeted warmly from my mom and get to relish in the old times and explore the little town of Delray they left however long ago. But I'm still a resident...and I can't relish in nothing cause I feel locked inside.
My home is cold. Angry faces, unpleasant moods, misunderstanding eyes, and sighs of economic depression. Why would I get homesick of that. My home and my family has taught me good things and bad things. And from them both, I've done nothing but plan my future. I've always been one to think ahead. I'm lost without an agenda or calendar....(btw i need a knew one).
But anyway, I've planned out my life, my future family that won't have these cold hearts and lonely rooms. I plan ways to improve all that I lacked.
I'm the last of Five. The nearest sibiling to me stopped playing with me when she was in the 7th grade. We're five years apart, and suddenly barbies and Disney Channel were solo events. By the time she graduated I was finally in the 7th grade. But it was too late cause now she was an "adult" and I the "git."
Damn! I'm such a sob story but it's true it really is. All these things i remember and will never forget. They mold me and make the thoughts in my head.
Reflecting on it all makes me realize I'm running away from home into a sunset, just to return home and go to bed....
Then wake up and feel the same way again...
In time.
![]()
I'm antsy point blank. Ready to go and packing to go somewhere in June but don't have to be there till September. I wish SCAD had summer school.
To me home won't be the place I aspire for it to be until I leave it and return to it as a guest. Staying here there is curfews and arguements and loneliness. When my sibilings come back to visit they are greeted warmly from my mom and get to relish in the old times and explore the little town of Delray they left however long ago. But I'm still a resident...and I can't relish in nothing cause I feel locked inside.
My home is cold. Angry faces, unpleasant moods, misunderstanding eyes, and sighs of economic depression. Why would I get homesick of that. My home and my family has taught me good things and bad things. And from them both, I've done nothing but plan my future. I've always been one to think ahead. I'm lost without an agenda or calendar....(btw i need a knew one).
But anyway, I've planned out my life, my future family that won't have these cold hearts and lonely rooms. I plan ways to improve all that I lacked.
I'm the last of Five. The nearest sibiling to me stopped playing with me when she was in the 7th grade. We're five years apart, and suddenly barbies and Disney Channel were solo events. By the time she graduated I was finally in the 7th grade. But it was too late cause now she was an "adult" and I the "git."
Damn! I'm such a sob story but it's true it really is. All these things i remember and will never forget. They mold me and make the thoughts in my head.
Reflecting on it all makes me realize I'm running away from home into a sunset, just to return home and go to bed....
Then wake up and feel the same way again...
In time.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Stranger
Stranger
I don't know you yet we've met before.
It's been so many years though....
A reunion is feared but somewhat needed.
Yet a part of me wants to keep you a mystery.
I'm not happy your life is a mess
I'm not happy that you turned to the worst
But I am happy that you're true to yourself
I'm glad that I freed you of your disguise.
I'm glad you've grown to the man YOU wanted to be.
Away from me you can do that
And away from you I grew to find what happiness really means.
I found strength.
I found trust
I found love.
The real deal, not what I thought it should be.
I got what you can't force and what you can't buy nor glue together.
It works cause we choose for it to work
We're great because our puzzle pieces fall together effortlessly
Unlike the old pieces that kept getting tossed up in the air hoping it'd fall back together again
The puzzle is only complete when it's meant to be.
No pressure
No glue
No tape
Just Destiny.
#Happy to be freed from the free you, so that someone else could free me in their genuine love.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Heartless
To: Heartless(YOU)
I wanna help people and according to your job description so do you.
The "spirit" is misguiding you and your message is heartless. The things you say and your approach are so awful and heartbreaking. Anyone different from yourself is evil or possessed or a drug addict. But that's not fair. Everyone encounters misfortunes in their lives that seem to be the end of your world BUT everything truly happens for a reason. And later in the lives of those who have encountered misfortunes, their eyes will be opened to a new truth that only they can understand and THOSE who accept them for who they are.
People pity the blind, pity the deaf, pity the parents of autism and downs syndrome...but why?
These people may not be able to hear and see and act like "we" do but who said they had to.
The point is for them to live their lives happy learning as much as they can.
The blind may not be able to physically see but see the world in a light "we" can never understand.
Ray Charles...... Stevie Wonder......
People hurting the children I described above hurt ME. And You blame the parents or their lifestyles, that's foolish and YOU are 3 times my age! What would hurt you are the facts. What would hurt you is the statistics. What would hurt you is if I put my point in a situation you'd understand. God Forbid. What if you had a miscarriage. And people said only people who take drugs and are crazy have miscarriages. Not fair to say huh? Hurts you deep huh? Published or not, all your negative thoughts give the same HURT to the ears and eyes you haven't even met.
I worked for a wonderful company, Visual Images, a youth sports photography company. I was an assistant to the photographers. My boss hand picked me among others to work with the Buddy Leagues. The children and the teens I encountered in this league had a large variety of physical and mental impairments, but their parents encouraged them to participate in baseball, soccer, and football so they can do what they see the "normal" kids do on television or in books. Why lock them up in a room and hide them.
I'm blessed to be apart of a family of healthy men and women and I thank my parents for that. But YOU.
You in particular will never read this blog and probably never understand what I'm trying to say. But I pray that the Lord opens your eyes to your words and your thoughts. Because the same people you call evil, disturbed, and drug attics can be the people who save your life in old age.
You have no life unless you're living it. And YOU have no right to condemn any child or any parent who has done nothing less if not more for their child but love them for who they ARE and not what they want them to be.
I wanna help people. And with my photography and my love for art I feel I can accomplish this one day....
Cause even though you think otherwise, I AM thinking, learning, accepting, and WILL become larger then you ever imagined.
Your warnings have done enough. My eyes are open but yours are still closed.
Thank You to the Foundations I Know or have worked with and to the individuals who have endured and/or truly understand these misfortunes. May God Bless you and the revelations your situations may have revealed to you.
Love,
Learn.Accept.Love.GiveFight Back
I wanna help people and according to your job description so do you.
The "spirit" is misguiding you and your message is heartless. The things you say and your approach are so awful and heartbreaking. Anyone different from yourself is evil or possessed or a drug addict. But that's not fair. Everyone encounters misfortunes in their lives that seem to be the end of your world BUT everything truly happens for a reason. And later in the lives of those who have encountered misfortunes, their eyes will be opened to a new truth that only they can understand and THOSE who accept them for who they are.
People pity the blind, pity the deaf, pity the parents of autism and downs syndrome...but why?
These people may not be able to hear and see and act like "we" do but who said they had to.
The point is for them to live their lives happy learning as much as they can.
The blind may not be able to physically see but see the world in a light "we" can never understand.
Ray Charles...... Stevie Wonder......
People hurting the children I described above hurt ME. And You blame the parents or their lifestyles, that's foolish and YOU are 3 times my age! What would hurt you are the facts. What would hurt you is the statistics. What would hurt you is if I put my point in a situation you'd understand. God Forbid. What if you had a miscarriage. And people said only people who take drugs and are crazy have miscarriages. Not fair to say huh? Hurts you deep huh? Published or not, all your negative thoughts give the same HURT to the ears and eyes you haven't even met.
I worked for a wonderful company, Visual Images, a youth sports photography company. I was an assistant to the photographers. My boss hand picked me among others to work with the Buddy Leagues. The children and the teens I encountered in this league had a large variety of physical and mental impairments, but their parents encouraged them to participate in baseball, soccer, and football so they can do what they see the "normal" kids do on television or in books. Why lock them up in a room and hide them.
I'm blessed to be apart of a family of healthy men and women and I thank my parents for that. But YOU.
You in particular will never read this blog and probably never understand what I'm trying to say. But I pray that the Lord opens your eyes to your words and your thoughts. Because the same people you call evil, disturbed, and drug attics can be the people who save your life in old age.
You have no life unless you're living it. And YOU have no right to condemn any child or any parent who has done nothing less if not more for their child but love them for who they ARE and not what they want them to be.
I wanna help people. And with my photography and my love for art I feel I can accomplish this one day....
Cause even though you think otherwise, I AM thinking, learning, accepting, and WILL become larger then you ever imagined.
Your warnings have done enough. My eyes are open but yours are still closed.
- 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. AmericanPregnancy.org
- According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2003, autism is the most common of the Pervasive Developmental Disorders, affecting an estimated 1 in 250 births.
- Down syndrome occurs in 1 of every 800 infants with many as 6,000 children born with Down syndrome each year. AmericanPregnancy.org
Thank You to the Foundations I Know or have worked with and to the individuals who have endured and/or truly understand these misfortunes. May God Bless you and the revelations your situations may have revealed to you.
- http://www.surfersforautism.org/about/
- Dare 2 Be Great Foundation
- Buddy League
- Visual Images
- Weppner family
- S. Fletcher
- Alfred Family
Love,
Learn.Accept.Love.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Not Yet...
I feel trapped.
The truth and semi truth give the same response so whats the point of speaking at all.
Age doesn't matter.
Nor what I do.
I just want to be anywhere but here.
Someone elses' home is more like home than my own and it should be that way.
But when I try to change that outlook my ideas are pushed away.
I have other places to be but my work is down here.
Money sucks! Cause it's the only thing keeping me here.
Savannah, Georgia in September....
but for now I'm stuck,
I can't even describe this place anymore.
I just know the tears are getting old.
#A Weed Stuck in the Ground.
The truth and semi truth give the same response so whats the point of speaking at all.
Age doesn't matter.
Nor what I do.
I just want to be anywhere but here.
Someone elses' home is more like home than my own and it should be that way.
But when I try to change that outlook my ideas are pushed away.
I have other places to be but my work is down here.
Money sucks! Cause it's the only thing keeping me here.
Savannah, Georgia in September....
but for now I'm stuck,
I can't even describe this place anymore.
I just know the tears are getting old.
#A Weed Stuck in the Ground.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
For those Who allow the rain on their Parades
I’ve always been a Hopeless Romantic.
An’ I’ve had my fair share of rainy days.
But I can stop the rain
I can pull the clouds away
An’ call for the sun to reign.
I mastered this power
Cause I am in control of me.
My smiles
My frowns
My giggles and whimpers
It’s a light switch only I can trigger
Though my heart may sing a different song
It never fails to believe that I can do it.
I can do it all!
From conducting an Orchestra in Carnegie Hall to praying in the Taj Mahal
For peace!
Or just to be sure the Lord is with me.
Cause I can be tested to mighty lengths
An’ those storm clouds will stampede their way in
An’ I will choose to be sad, and cry at my cold window sill
But never without knowing I have the power still.
Cause I am in control.
And I won’t prove nothin’ to nobody that I haven’t introduced to myself.
I will do it for me
An’ for others to see the power they have failed to unleash.
Everyone will have their rainy day.
But no one said it had to rain all day,
Everyday
You look up in that sky
An’ you clear those clouds away
An’ you open your heart to God and demand
“I refuse to live this way!”
#Rain Boots
Monday, June 6, 2011
Why am I here?
6-6-2011 / 8:41PM
I've always been well beyond my years. From elementary school and on my mannerisms, my speech, my outlook on life always aged me and shocked adults. But now I am an adult, by law at least, and in October I'll be 19.
The year 2011 signaled diversions, fireworks, natural disasters and new obstacles to enter my path. But the main thing was May 21st 2011. For on that day I graduated from High School. "Big whoop!" Right? .... WRONG.
I'm the last of five lovely children whose last names match their skin and I am the most "out there" then the rest of the clan. The oldest is the Sage. #2 is the Messenger. #3 Is the Sensible one. #4 The Rebel. And #5 , me, The Negotiator.
Honestly, I was spoiled but mostly cause my parents grew weary after the first four. And I got to do a lot of things the others would not have dared pushed ONLY because I always negotiated and never stopped asking questions. And in Jamaican Culture you should know better than to question your elders but my questioning has gotten me to so many places and encouraged the intelligence I have gained.
Why am I here....................?
Because I have a voice that can only be unleashed in so many settings. Desires, ideals and aspirations that would be misconceived, mocked, or ignored by most. But here I feel freer behind my small computer screen and weathered keyboard. Ironic I know, but I'm on my way to places I dreamed to go. Not to say I would never make it, but it's exciting to see it unravel after dreaming for so many years. Some frown upon my choices and others pray it'll work out cause they have doubts. But I wouldn't put myself in these situations if I didn't think I had what it took.
I'm ready for the mistakes, and the rejection and the rain cause after the storm the sun will rise again.
Lol, pretty cliche I must say so myself but it's true. I'm a high school graduate and professional photographer.
Someone important once told me if people are paying you for your work that makes you a professional. And I agree, but I think I'm professional because thats who and what I choose to be.
I know I opened a few jars and probably left some unanswered questions
but answers come to those who seek.
Through Blogger those who follow will soon be impressed to meet the Real Me.
#On A Train With No Breaks.
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