Only Time Heals

It has been nearly a year to date since my last post in October of 2014 when I was reflecting on my journey in Italy.

Sparing you and me the catch up story I'm here cause this is my only mixing pot of knowledge.
I started this blog 4 years ago as a college freshman and it became everything I didn't plan for it to be, but that was okay cause here I could vent and share whatever. Hair, food, life, photo, journies.

What I learned

Tonight was very difficult for me. I'm up this late at 2:38am because my heart won't let me sleep.
So hopefully typing this out will.

God can test you and teach you through your pain and struggles. You can spend a year or more like I have to heal from all that pain and bounce back. The love of my life is a testimony to that very concept. He is my God sent gift that taught me what I knew and believed in was true, my love of love respected and valued.

Right now the devil is trying me. He's trying my spirit and I refuse to let him win.
Im in a place that is reminding me of old circumstances. Circumstances that have been dealt with and forgiven not burried and tossed to the side. But this time I have NOTHING to worry about, I have no reason to be up at night and concern myself with what ifs but the Devil is trying me anyway.

This has taught me what fear can do. And how when people are not strong enough to fight fear it can consume them create a problem in something that doesn't even have a problem.
It is never fair to put the burden of an ex and past terrors on ur current beau, but for some reason the devil thought he could try me tonight.

Images, crossing from past to present and making up illusions in my mind... I CANT!

The objective is that this is exactly why it can only take time to trust someone just as it takes time to heal. Every situation is different, and when entering a new one it will test your level of trust.
And my level of trust being tested in hard on me, particularly hard when your trust has been shitted on before.

But the devil is a liar!
And you aren't taking him from me today or ever. He is God's gift to me and in His hands I will leave him.


well,
goodnight i think...

A Photo Story: Exploring Cinque Terre!

Barcelona, October 19th, 2014

I went on quite the adventure today in Barcelona!

Last night I made plans to go biking around the city with friends but unfortunately they ran out of bikes. Then I was going to go out with a friend looking to buy supplies but he woke up before me and forgot to call to let me know he was leaving. So I shrugged it off and started my day on my own.

For the past 2 days I have been suffering from sinus congestion because when I went to Cinque Terre last Thursday I got caught walking in the rain. (It was worth it though!) The next day I had a stracchy throat and couldn’t breathe through my nostrils and my throat was puffy on one side. I got straight to all my remedies and took dairy out my daily diet. Then Saturday I jumped off the ship into the saltiness salt water I’ll ever experience and that did my throat and nostrils a great favor! With sleep and consistent nose blowing I woke up this morning breathing through my nose and feeling so much better.

I got dressed, had soup for lunch, and packed my new Italian leather purse with all the essentials needed for Barcelona. I contemplated bringing my camera but since my purse made me hands free I felt I’d be okay. I can’t be nervous going places with my camera I have to be confident and just watch my back.

Luckily I had all morning and afternoon off. So not only did that allow me to sleep off my congestion but I had ample time to finally find Casa Mila in Barcelona. We only have one other trip to this port and then we are off to Miami. And this is the only port that I did not yet collect my postcards and magnets.

Reading my offline map of the city, thanks to Triposo App, I found an easy yet interesting route to take to Casa Mila. I knew that I wouldn’t have time to go in but I at least wanted to see it for myself and see more of Barcelona. I had only explored the town one other time 4 weeks ago with my friend Jon. We went to Segrada Familia and explored the Catalan area of Barcelona. So part of my journey was familiar and other parts were brand new.

So….

I got off the ship. Paid 3 euro for a roundtrip ticket on the T3 Port shuttle bus that takes me to the Ciudat Centre (city Center)

From there I proceed North on Las Ramblas until it ended.
Las Ramblas is a popular market strip with souvenirs, mascots, people dressed up as statues, and plenty shops. I had my eye out for the best magnets and unique keepsakes.

I took a right onto Ronda de la Universitat and then a left onto Passeig de Gracia

Passeig d Gracia is like the jackpot for shopping. But since it was a Sunday everything was closed. Gucci, Guess, Nike, Adidas, Mango, BOSS, H&M, it was packed and I’m sure the place to shop during the week.

As I continued up Passeig de Gracia everything got more familiar. I found the place where Jon and I had ended up after going on a hunt for a bank that no longer existed. I passed Gaudi’s Casa Batllo and then Casa Mila which I passed at first cause of the Scaffolding on the building. I recognized the snow cone like features on the top but didn’t see an entrance and it had a different name on top. But after asking for directions (in Spanish might I add) I found the front door. A lovely young worker there gave me a pamphlet and I asked how long it would take to see everything inside she said about an hour. Right then and there I knew I had to return seeing how I had an hour to get back to the ship before I clocked in. She told me how to buy student tickets online that way when I return I don’t need to stand in line. She was very helpful. I took a photo of the building with my cellphone and kept it moving. Looking at the time I didn’t trust myself making it on foot all the way back seeing that I walked quite the distance from the City Centre. So I found the nearest metro staircase that I remembered taking before and asked directions back to the port. I needed to know what line to take and my stop. A lady in the candy store explained in Spanish and I understood! I always feel so good in Spain cause I get to put my Spanish to real life situations and its nice when it works out in my favor lol.

So I took Line 3 (green) to Drassenes which even had a little ship picture by the stop to tell you its for the port. I got on and off the metro very proud of myself and feeling like I could do this on the regular.

Next Sunday If I have time I’ll get up early to go to Casa Mila. If I have to work embarkation then I’ll have to save it for the next time I get to Barcelona on my own. More than likely I’ll be working since I want to request off the next embarkation in Miami to see my family!

19 more days till Miami!!!

Can’t wait!

Death Stops at Nothing.

Death waits for no one.

No age

No special moment in time.

I hate the phrase the good die young. It implies you shouldn’t be good to die young. But I know that’s not what it means.

I’m frustrated and emotional and I’m trying to come to terms with things not meant to be understood but accepted. I know better but sometimes I can’t help it.

Em, formally known as Emalee Formica died in a car accident yesterday.

I just learned of the news today while on break working this morning.

Her boyfriend posted the tragic news on our SCAD Lacoste Facebook page.

I met her just this summer in France. We had class together, critiqued each other had some fun moments late nights in the lab it was great. Everyone in Lacoste knows how much of a family we became despite who hung out with who. Everyone meshed for the most part.

Em lived a fulfilling light and I can only say that based on the images she left behind on her Instagram, Facebook, and the art work she shared in class. She came to Lacoste with her boyfriend Adam and I admired their love and relationship. They were that couple that seemed confidently in love. Never overdoing it with PDA but just co-existing with one another. I admired their romantic adventures in the South of France. Hiking in the woods to laying side by side in a hammock under the star lit night skies of Lacoste. And I’ll never forget her story she told in critique where her and Adam almost missed their train in France! They literally ran after the train, Adam jumped in and reached for her hand to pull her aboard! They had so many stories of times well spent and they were on their way to finish art school and move on to what was next.

I can’t even imagine how Adam is feeling. To wake up and be notified that the person you love has passed away. To realize that moments shared will only remain memories.  I pray for his strength and confidence knowing that nothing was ever done in vain and that her spirit will always be there to comfort him.

I only knew her for the 2 and a half months spent in France. And many people reading this never knew her at all. But knowing her doesn’t keep anyone from being touched by who she may represent in someone elses life. I wanna do something and being so far away all I can offer are my words and prayers. I saw myself in Em’s relationship. And I was excited for her future as an artist. Damn was that girl talented! If I had a gallery I would put on a show to commemorate her life well lived and well spent.

Death waits for no one.

Death waits for no special event.

Death will come like a thief in the night.

Nothing in life is certain but death.

Where is your heart today?

Are you proud of the life you’ve lived?

What is any of us really waiting for?

Do what you love and do what you’re good at! And never let anyone tell you different.

Love with all your heart

Live with no regrets

Learn from your mistakes

Embrace them as lessons learned.

I want to impact lives every day.
Perhaps I might save one
One day.

There is so much I want to do in this short life of mine.
Em accomplished so much for her 22 years alive.
And all of her friends can attest to that and hold on tight to her memories shared.
And the photographs taken.

Photos will never let you forget.
A photo can transport you in time
A photo can be your peace and your pain
A reminder and sometimes an aide to move on just the same.

 Photo from France Exhibition found on Emalee's blog. Our art work was hung next to each other for its simplicity and use of line.

Preserving Memories

My job pulls at my heart strings. And for that reason I will always value it and appreciate it’s unspoken lessons. It can be emotional and quite a responsibility to be in charge of recording someone’s memories. Taking photos on this cruise ship may be mechanical but I’m learning how to make it my own and people are appreciative for it. They see my effort and reward me with thank yous, handshakes, and hugs.

Tonight alone I photographed 9 newly weds who choose to honey moon on the Norwegian Epic. And 2 couples were celebrating their 30 year anniversary and another celebrating 11 years of marriage. Everyone cruises for their own reasons and these type of celebrations are amoungst my favorite!

This job is aging me. And I can’t be out spoken about it being so young on my team. But this is my blog so I can vent to you like you’re my boyfriend lol.

Those who know me well know that my emotions go hand in hand with my keen eye for observation.

I see the couple oooo and aww at each other. I hear the smirk and smile of the husband watching his wife pose for a photo. I embrace the raunchy comments and poses of the English and Irish. Its humorous but also beautiful to see the spark still ignited in these older couples. I see the smooth caressing of fingers on shoulders, waists, chests, and cheeks. Observing married people remind the soft hearted what is out there waiting for them.

I notice the new mom and dad who take turns rolling the fussy toddler up and down the deck until they fall asleep. I see the warmth in the cheeks of a new mom so proud of the baby on her hip. I love to see the dad carrying his exhausted little girl all dressed up in her frilly dress, knocked out on his shoulder, feet bare, hands dangling, and mouth wide open fast asleep.

I know that I’m 22 (in 6 days) and I am aware that I am young. I don’t need anyone to remind me of that. But in my eyes getting married and having a family doesn’t mean my life has ended and doesn’t mean the fun is done. In my eyes marriage is that beautiful new beginning, the fresh sketchbook, the newly sharpened pencil, the sequel to your very own book of life.

I think when you have a sound relationship with God things are surer and you have a confidence you have never had before. When you know you know. Between me and you blog I could get married today and not fret a thing. After this ship life give me two years to dig deeper into my art then baby I want a ring lol. I’ve been on this ship for a month now and I have 5 more to go. I have learned more about valuing my family and loved ones in this little time than ever before.

I just wanna lay in my mom’s bed and cuddle next to her embracing her even though she’ll resist.

I just want to sit in the truck with my dad and drive for miles as we talk about nothing.

I want to watch my nephew play football and handle animals in his awesome middle school.

I want to learn my brother in laws cooking secrets

I want to spend days relaxing with my big sis sharing our passions and beliefs of the world

I want to dance all night to other sister’s hottest DJ mixes

I want to sit and stare at my two month old nephew for DAYS he’s so damn handsome!

I only wish my family could understand the concoctions in my head. But perhaps God rather keep them in the dark and leave things unsaid.

A lot of what I’m sharing and feeling I’ve told my parents once before.

                “Daddy I wanna be a young mom, kids before 30”

                “Mommy you gotta pull all the stops out for your baby’s wedding!”

I hope they remember and know I wasn’t playing….

I’m a romantic, a softy, and a trooper for sure. I’m grateful for the job, the lessons, and a lot more.

In the end I’m only getting stronger, my heart can withstand a lot, but Lord knows I’m gonna ball my eyes out when these 6 months are done!

Time to go...

Tomorrow will be my last full day in Lacoste...

All my most important memories of my time here are found on my Tumblr.

I share the same emotions as many others who are ready to go home but wish to stay here in France but yet missing home. Its a tug-of-war pulling emotions back and forth.
I'm just so proud of all the incredible artists I met not just here but in the 3 years I dedicated to Savannah College of Art and Design. The amount of talent is insane!! If only you could witness the clever, creative, mind boggling madness these individuals are capable of. I'm proud to have known then when our goals were nothing but a dream in the near/far future.

It was the last quarter for a lot of students but to my knowledge I was the only one who already walked in graduation. So the feeling of completion has come full circle exceptionally for me...
I completed my senior project. I invited all my family to Savannah. They watched me walk across that stage. 
They celebrated the baby Brown graduating from college. I then went to France and complete the final 2 classes required for my degree excelled and featured 3 pieces of art work in a group show here in France.

Damn. I'm just beyond grateful. My tears are tears of joy and fulfillment. I'm proud of myself and grateful to so many people...

My parents for supporting me even against their wishes to go to art school.
My siblings for their individual efforts and prayers.
Past professors and educators following me on Facebook and Tumblr and this blog rooting for me and my dreams.
Fellow artists for seeing my work, supporting it, and uplifting it.
Viewers for standing and embracing my art soaking it in, discovering, and filling me with such sense a satisfaction I can't begin to describe.
My friends! The real ones checking in on me and snapping me and asking how I'm doing. The ones that can't wait for my arrival.
And Mr. Fleming, my all star fan. You are my anchor in the States and your belief in me is insane.

On Tuesday I fly out of France and back to the USA.
Back to home.
Back to the familiar or not so much.
I fly toward my future, day 1 of LIFE POST GRADUATE!
Now I step away from dreaming. I lived the SCAD dream for 3 years. My final quarter I began tasting the reality of my dreams by studying in France. But in September dreaming ends. I secured a job on a cruise-ship and I'll be calling that ship home for SIX MONTHS. I can't with myself. I'm out of my mind proud and impressed.

I can honestly say  that I don't know whats next. But its true when they say you don't have to know where you are going when you headed in the right direction. I'm moving on and upwards. I'm ready.
Casting fears aside with my Lord and Savior as my guide.

My God My God look how you have blessed me....

Thank you Father.

The Little Things

This afternoon I woke up from my nap being notified that a letter was in the office waiting for me. Only one person writes me here while I’ve been in Lacoste and that's Phillip. There is something special about writing and receiving mail. It’s the little things that remind me why I love the way I do.

With social media reigning supreme there is something archaic and romantic about receiving a letter and writing  one. More than a love letter its a general sign of affection. It says to me you are more than a phone call, then a video chat session, and you are worth the few moments to share hand  written thoughts with. From New York to the South of France, Phillips letters are well received and leave me smiling for the rest of the day.

Our relationship is different now. Lacoste changed us. Distance changed us. God shifted us. And all believe all the alterations are for the better. Since Paris I have been writing like crazy. Channeling thoughts and good vibes into poems and reflective art pieces. I'm happy. As simple as it seems but God has my spirit stoked and anxious for where my future leads. 

I have a new outlook on life, my relationship, and on what God is doing in both of our lives individually and as a unit together.  I have an understanding of love that only God can bring. God has revealed to me revelations that i only dreamed to see at this age. Twenty-one and approaching twenty-two God remembered my aspirations and he is anchoring me into position inch by inch. The anticipation is killing me!!! But I don't want anything that's not of His anointed time.

"When you find someone that you know you love,  just love that person and God will see you through the rest of the way." -Musiq Soulchild